Jason Mustian
I’ve been on both sides of this. We all have.
The one wincing inside as someone steamrolls a conversation… and the one who later realized I was that person. Social awkwardness is tricky because most people aren’t trying to be rude or clueless—they just miss the signals everyone else is picking up.
Reminds me of that John Mayer song, My Stupid Mouth:
“So maybe I try too hard, but it’s all because of this desire, I just want to be liked, I just want to be funny.”
That’s the thing—bad social skills usually come from good intentions gone sideways. But intent doesn’t erase impact, and certain phrases can turn a normal conversation into something… uncomfortable.
Here are some of the most common offenders, why they land wrong, and what you could say instead.
1. “Not to be rude, but…”
The second you lead with this, everyone braces for impact. You’ve basically announced you’re about to be rude, so whatever comes next will hit harder. Even if your point is valid, it’s now wrapped in unnecessary hostility. Research on conversational framing shows that people respond more positively to direct statements without a defensive preface.
Try instead: State your point clearly, but with softer wording. For example, “I have a different perspective on that” works better than firing up the “not to be rude” signal flare.
2. “You look tired.”
On the surface, it’s an observation. In reality, it lands like a passive-aggressive jab. Commenting on someone’s appearance—especially in a negative way—activates self-consciousness, not connection. According to social perception research, unsolicited appearance feedback rarely strengthens relationships.
Try instead: If you’re genuinely concerned, ask how they’re doing. A simple, “How’s your day going?” invites them to share without making them self-conscious about their face.
3. “That reminds me of when I…”
Story-sharing can build rapport—but only if it’s balanced. Jumping in too fast makes it seem like you’re hijacking the conversation. Psychologists call this “conversational narcissism,” and it can make people feel unheard.
Try instead: Let them finish their thought fully before adding yours. Even better, ask a follow-up question before sharing your own story.
4. “I’m just being honest.”
Honesty is important, but this phrase often shows up as a shield for being blunt without empathy. Studies on prosocial behavior suggest that honesty builds trust when it’s paired with tact and timing—not when it’s used to justify unnecessary harshness.
Try instead: Deliver feedback in a way that preserves dignity. For example, “Can I share a thought that might help?” invites openness instead of defensiveness.
5. “You should…”
Telling someone what they “should” do can come across as controlling or dismissive, especially if they didn’t ask for advice. Guidance works best when it’s collaborative, not prescriptive. Research on advice-giving shows people are more receptive when suggestions are framed as options rather than directives.
Try instead: “One thing that’s worked for me is…” leaves room for them to decide if it’s useful.
6. “Calm down.”
This one almost never calms anyone down. In fact, it tends to escalate emotions by invalidating the person’s feelings. Emotion regulation studies confirm that acknowledgment—not dismissal—is what helps people de-escalate.
Try instead: “I hear you” or “Let’s take a second” gives space for emotions without telling them how to feel.
7. “Wow, you’re so sensitive.”
Even if meant as a joke, this labels someone’s reaction in a way that feels belittling. Sensitivity isn’t a flaw—it’s just a trait. Labeling it shuts down conversation rather than deepening it. According to personality psychology research, validating someone’s emotional experience fosters more trust and openness.
Try instead: Ask for clarification: “Can you tell me more about why that bothered you?” This shifts from judgment to curiosity.
Final thoughts
We’ve all dropped one of these phrases before—sometimes without realizing the impact. And while it’s easy to point fingers at people with poor social skills, the truth is, conversation is a skill you keep learning. A few small adjustments in wording can make the difference between someone feeling dismissed and someone feeling heard.
Next time you catch yourself about to launch into one of these, pause. Ask yourself: “Will this help the other person feel seen, or am I just trying to make my point?” The best conversationalists aren’t perfect—they’re just intentional.