33 Doctors & Nurses Share The Dumbest Things Patients Have Ever Said To Them

While doctors and nursestrain for years to gain in-depth knowledge about the intricate workings of the human body, there are some things that we should all know about maintaining our health because they’re just basic common sense.

Smoking is bad for you, you shouldn’t live on Snickers bars, maybe do some exercise now and then for starters.

However, it seems some people just aren’t into the whole thinking thing if a recent Reddit thread is any indication.

The answers to an /r/AskReddit thread entitled “People in healthcare – what is something you never thought you would have to tell another grown-ass human?” got over 12,000 comments and some of the revelations are just shocking. 

1. “But it’s sterile and I like the taste.”

“Nurse here. The number of people I’ve had to tell to not drink or to stop drinking their urine is surprising.” – Dakipa

2. Cleanliness is next to godliness.

“You’re 22 – wash your dick.” – Nickrosis

3. Did you not learn this in 6th grade?


4. Secondhand idiocy.

“Yes, you smoking in your house is likely making your kid’s asthma worse.” – BruteSquad610

5. Where do I even start?

“A couple instances come to mind.

1) Don’t have sex 6 hours after you delivered a baby.

2) Coffee creamer is not the same as infant formula. Please do not feed your day old newborn International Delight.

3) Probiotics are different from antibiotics. Probiotics do not cure syphilis. – Kaclassen

6. Sometimes, listen to the patients.

“I know you are trying to help but you don’t do CPR on someone who is actively telling you to stop between compressions.” – Cl1mb3r

7. Don’t try this at home kids.

“Jumping from a first floor balcony onto an alfresco dining shade umbrella below will not make you bounce up and down like you are on a trampoline. Instead your 100kg body will simply crash through the fabric onto the footpath below and break both your arms. You will not impress the ladies with this, like you originally intended – and besides, what exactly is a semi-obese man in his forties still doing trying to impress women like that?

(What I actually said to him, which encapsulated all of the above, was ”what part of you thought it was a good idea?”, followed by ”and remind me how old you are again?”).” – OkeyDoke47

8. It’s an ultrasound, not a crystal ball.

“No. I cannot tell the race of your baby on ultrasound. You’ll have to wait until birth to have an awkward conversation with one of your boyfriends.” – sutherbb36

9. Not so fast, are you?

“I was waiting to get my colonoscopy done a couple of years ago and they were asking the lady in the next station if she’d fasted. They went through all the questions and double-checked that she had fasted, then after confirming, almost as an aside she throws in that she had oatmeal for breakfast that morning.

Nurse: Ma’am, fasting means you can’t eat anything before the exam.

Lady: I know. But I always have oatmeal for breakfast.

Nurse: I understand. But you can’t eat before this exam. The doctor has to look at your digestive system.

Lady: But oatmeal is good for digestion.

Nurse: You can’t eat anything before this exam. You have to have completely fasted so he can look at your intestines.

Lady: But I always have oatmeal for breakfast.” – PerilousAli

10. “I have nipples, Greg, can you milk me?”


11. Where do I begin?

“Primary Care Doc here, here’s a few of my favorite things I’ve had to tell patients

Please leave your marijuana/pipe/joint/paraphernalia in your vehicle or at home; don’t bring it to your appointment

You don’t need to bring a hunting knife to your appointment.

No I can’t write you a letter saying your rabbit is a service animal so you can fly it around the country with you for free.

Showing up drunk to an 8am appointment and asking me to prescribe you Xanax doesn’t get you Xanax

I am not qualified to tell you how much masturbation is too much masturbation.

It is not my job to teach your adolescent son about how to get a girlfriend.

Your medicine only works when you take it.

I’m not going to give you my cell phone number

Women are doctors too

No I can’t just remove your gallbladder in the office; I’m also not a surgeon.

You shouldn’t be taking your friend’s/mom’s/grandma’s medication.

You can’t just ‘pull your panties to the side’ for a Pap smear

….and the list goes on and on” – AboveAverageAMA

12. Magical delivery.

“I worked in obstetrics for many years. I was taking care of a woman in her late twenties, definitely not a teen mom, married, with a job. She got to 10 centimeters so I did my usual speech about how to push effectively. She nods and pushes when I tell her and she did great, really moved the baby down. I’m excited but I notice she’s whispering to her husband. He looks at me and says “ so why do you want her to do that?” I was a bit taken aback and very slowly explained that she had to that to get the baby out. She asked if I was kidding. At this point I feel like I’m the butt of a practical joke, but it didn’t stop. He kept asking if there wasn’t “a better way to do it” and muttering that I was being ridiculous. She continued to push and thankfully didn’t take long because she kept rolling her eyes at me. I was thrilled to hand this lovely couple off to the doctor. They looked slightly more convinced when he told her to do exactly what I had told her to do and then a baby magically appeared. If she’d ended up in a c section I’m sure she’d have been convinced I had done it all to torture her.

How does a woman make it into adulthood in normal society without knowing you have to push a baby out?

And then there was the time a woman got mad when I told her there was absolutely no way we could do her cesarean laparoscopically.” -jdinpjs

13. What are you, a cat?

“Worked in an optical practice in the UK.

Man comes in complaining of bad vision.

His asigmatism has increased by like 3 diopters. That’s a fuck load and definitely shouldn’t happen.

Optician retested using different kit. Same result.

Told him to come back in a week and we will retest it.

This time we’re looking at 4 diopters. They freak out. Recheck again, another optician checks it. Same result.

They run through health, smoking, drinking, medicine. Nothing out of the ordinary. The guy looks stressed as shit, put his head in his hands and put his thumbs against the side of his eyes.

The optician asks if he does that a lot. Apparently whenever he’s stressed he pushes the sides of his eyes.

He’s done it so much that he has physically changed the front of his eyeball and ruined his vision.

We told him to stop doing that. Never thought we’d have to tell another human being to not squeeze their own eyeballs.

Also had to tell a kid to not look at laser pointers, but he was just dumb as shit.” – up766570

14. Do you not wipe?

“Old friend of mine is a Nurse Practitioner. She told me she once saw a patient, male, complaining of severe rectal itching and general pain.

She is a very smart people-person, she can read people very well. She got right to the point and asked him about his daily hygiene routine. She had a hunch based off his presentation that he was a “man’s man”…”aint go gay stuff happening here!!!”

Long story short, when showering, he NEVER cleaned his ass. Ever. He told her, that it was “homosexual” to touch his anus.

She had to explain to him that the severe rash and itching he had been dealing with for apparently YEARS was a direct result of his perceived “homo acts.”

She instructed him to go home, take a proper shower, and apply witch hazel for a few days.

Amazing that a grown man thinks this way.” – IT_Chef

15. That’s gotta hurt.