I’m an adult. I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power away from me. I’ve been guilty of mixing together whatever I had left in the cupboard just so I didn’t have to go to the store. Spaghetti with ketchup and hotdogs? Bone apple teeth.
1. Crab boiled in Pepsi Max for 2 hours. Served in a baguette. Why? Because f*ck you, that’s why.
2. Accordion cut kosher hotdog with a smokey dijon mustard ejaculate.
3. Rotini pasta boiled in Mountain Berry Blast Powerade. Only served on Wednesdays and in your nightmares.
4. Bloody Mary. Substitute ketchup for tomato juice, spring onion for celery, and self-loathing for self-respect.
5. Rich Columbian chocolate covered disappointments.
6. A whole chicken unplugged from the Matrix and served in its own jelly.
7. Three eggs poached in a latex glove with ketchup nails and a sausage watch. Cook while on edibles and served yesterday.
8. Talking hotdog burger. Served with existential crisis sauce. Says phrases such as “What am I???” and “Please kill me!.”
9. Heirloom tomato stuffed with albacore tuna, topped with a Kraft single. Microwaved in the breakroom on your last day of work.
10. New York style pizza with toppings that will get you beat up in New York.
11. Doritos casserole served in a trough because that’s how you eat it, you disgusting pig.
12. Wild caught mackerel imprisoned in a sourdough loaf. A metaphor for the prison gluten has us all captive in.
13. Thinly sliced turkey with cream cheese served on a cucumber roll. Gordon Ramsay once called it “not a f*cking sandwich.”
14. Only served in Russia, Florida, and in the stockings of naughty children on Christmas.
15. Breaded chicken strips topped with melted string cheese and ketchup on the side. Best “enjoyed” alone in a dark basement.
16. Chicken wings coated in blue raspberry lemonade Kool-Aid and cooked at a BBQ you ruined.
17. Nachos with microwaved chicken nuggets, ramen, and melted cheese. Prepared drunk at 3 am.
18. Homemade bolognese pizza plated to look like great grandma’s diaper the Wednesday after taco Tuesday.
19. A jam made from Pringles served in a tube that doesn’t quite fit your hand.
20. Jellied beef consommé with hotdogs, celery, olives, and everything else you’d find at the bottom of a garbage disposal.
21. Pizza cooked slowly in a stone oven and then angrily thrown at the fence by a dad after his kids keep asking if it’s ready yet.