Ruin My Week
1.
My Divorced dad was playing horseshoes in a league with my Aunt (moms sister). They went together one night when I was about 16. I went to a friends house to sleepover and didn’t think any more of it. Until I got home the next morning and her car was still in the driveway. Innocent and stupid me went into the house expecting my aunt to maybe be crashed on the couch or something. Then I heard the shower running and thought, weird, maybe she’s taking a shower before she leaves. Then I heard my dads laugh coming from the bathroom with my aunt laughing too. I tip toed out of the house and went right back to my friends house completely flabbergasted by what I just walked in on.
2.
Me and one of my friends were hanging out when we were probably…. 10 or 11. We went behind an elementary school on the weekend to play and ended up going behind a dumpster and getting naked and looking at each other. We never hung out again and every time we saw each other throughout high school it was a little weird.
https://giphy.com/gifs/snl-saturday-night-live-7zSzFBQwwGMC54c19q
3.
I had internal bleeding and really low blood pressure. I was in the hospital and instructed to not try to stand or walk since I’d faint. I didn’t obey that.
I went to take a piss and my girlfriend saw and chased after me. She caught up just in time to throw herself between me and the floor to prevent me from cracking my head open as I fell back unconscious, dick out, peeing all over everything on the way down.
I awoke with her sandwiched between me and the tile floors, lying in a pool of my piss.
And that’s actually the moment I realized I should marry that girl.
I did.
But that’s not the story I tell when someone asked, “when did you know she was the one?”
4.
I was about 15. Definitely old enough to know better.
I was putting spiders and ice cubes on the super hot wood stove because the Leidenfrost effect was interesting.
I thought it would be funny to do it with piss. It was not funny to do it with piss.
For the uninitiated, what happens is the piss vaporizes and depending on the volume of your bladder, produces a thick and clearly visible dark brown cloud. If you can imagine the smog line in LA, it looks like that. That cloud hugs the ceiling and hangs down about a foot. It doesn’t really move because it’s water vapor and it leaves a film on everything it touches.
It smells like….well…like burnt piss, and you can also taste it. The cloud absolutely does not dissipate before your mother gets home from work.
I was sort of a naughty kid anyhow, so she thought I had started a fire with something. In order to avoid a worse punishment I had to take dumbsponsibility. That was the only time I can remember her looking at me with actual hatred.
5.
One faithful night when I was around 12, I woke up and for some reason I was sure I was hella late for school. I threw on some clothes and walked into the kitchen, still half asleep.
What I saw in the kitchen was utterly confusing. My dad was standing there, dick out, chugging milk straight from the carton like a madman. I looked at him, but was too tired to be shocked, he on the other hand looked like he had been cought chugging milk by the ghost of Hitler. Then I looked up at the clock. It was 04 AM. I really didn’t understand anything except that I could sleep more at this point, so without a word I just turned around slowly and went back to bed.
The look on his face still haunts me
Edit: I forgot to mention that he never put the carton down. He just stared at me in shock, milk to mouth, until I left. For all I know he stood there chugging milk with his dick out all night
I meant fateful, but at this point I’m just going with it
6.
When my uncle died we were going through his house to clear it. We found 5-6 cameras and checked them to see if there were any photos of him for his mother as she didn’t have many.
Turns out he was into domination and had a large variety of porn quality pictures of himself partaking in his fetish. 60 year old man being dominated by similarly aged males and females. They are seared into my soul.
Myself and my father were checking together and made a pact not to tell anyone else or speak of it again
https://giphy.com/gifs/C8uzdnRrT8OsF8OCYH
7.
Well me and the wife were out on the lake fishing. When all of a sudden I felt the rumbling in my gut. I was about to shit my pants. I looked around and noticed we were no where near a dock and there was nobody else on the water.
So I looked my wife in the eye and told her I was sorry and loved her very much. I then proceeded to hang my ass over the side of the boat and had the Hershey squirts. It was over quite quickly thankfully. My wife passed me a few old receipts from her purse so I could wipe. She told me she still loved me and we kept on fishing.
8.
Was having quite rough sex with my ex-girlfriend and we thought we were home alone, so she decided that she’d scream the house down with her moaning. Screams ‘fuck me daddy!’ really loudly and when we finish about 10 minutes later, we go to the bathroom to clean up.
Bump into her then 14 year old brother on the landing and make direct eye contact with him. He just looks at me oddly and grimaces at his older sister. I still cringe to this day.
9.
My brother had an imaginary girlfriend with an imaginary Facebook profile. She would post loving, imaginary messages on his wall. I asked about her a few times then got a little more persistent. Ater a while, I got suspicious and did an image search for her photos. They were for another person in another country. Also, no one every saw the imaginary girlfriend. If someone asked me about her after seeing their loving Facebook exchanges, I would kind of imply that we’d met to spare my brother (and myself) embarrassment. Eventually, he stopped talking about the imaginary girlfriend and she stopped posting imaginary things. I will never ask what happened to her. I’m pretty sure he will never mention her again. She’s still on Facebook.
https://giphy.com/gifs/funny-lol-jennifer-lawrence-dPghHslnqEKLC
10.
When I was 8 years old I went swimming with my brother and his girlfriend at my grandparents house. Our house wasn’t far so we just walked back in our swimsuits. Once we got back to the house I was told to shower and wait for them in the living room until they’ve showered. So my brother and his girlfriend went down into our basement where my brothers room was and I went into the upstairs bathroom to shower. I realized I didn’t have a towel and started to make my way to my mother’s bathroom for a towel. That is when I noticed a cucumber sitting on the counter. Bare with me here this is where it gets odd. I took the cucumber and went downstairs. As I approached my brothers bedroom door I shoved the cucumber in my swimming trunks. I was just imagining the hilarity that would come after I showed them my goofy trick. So I swing the door open in complete confidence and the first thing I see is my brother tearing off his girlfriend’s bikini top with his mouth. The cucumber hit the floor as well as my jaw. There they were. The first breasts I’d ever laid eyes on. Suddenly I made eye contact with my brothers girlfriend and then with my brother. I looked down and saw the cucumber at my feet and said “I….. wanted you to think the cucumber was my weiner as a joke.” I picked up the cucumber, turned and shut the door behind me. My brother and his girlfriend are now married and have been together for 12 years. We’ve never spoken of that event again.
