Jason Mustian
Jokes come in many flavors and, like with chocolate, some prefer their jokes dark. Very dark.
This type of dark humor isn’t sanitized, safe, or socially acceptable. In fact, in this genre, the more offensive a joke is, the better.
For these deviants, we created this list of dark jokes.
Some of these quips traffic in humor that is “morbid” and that intentionally jokes about topics normally considered taboo including violence, abuse, and death.
So be warned: These are the kinds of dark jokes go right up to the line of bad taste and others pole-vault right over it.
1. Give a man a match, he’ll be warm for a day.
Light a man on fire and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
2. What’s the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
The hockey player changes his pads after three periods.
3. A man found a genie lamp…
When he rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules.
Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love
Man: I wish to not die a virgin
Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
4. What happened after Kurt Cobain shot himself?
He attained Nirvana
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6. Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven is a registered six offender.
7. Clothes are like Billie Eilish songs
I was really surprised when I found out that a kid made them
8. My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Turns out I’m adopted
9. Abortion isn’t murder
It’s just canceling your pre-order.
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11. What do you call a necrophiliac gangbang?
Cracking open a cold one with the boys
12. A child molester and a priest walk into a bar…
He orders a drink
13. Saying “I’m sorry” and “I apologize” means basically the same thing…
…except at a funeral.
14. Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 4-year-old child crying?
Midlife crisis
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16. What starts with an M and ends with arriage?
Miscarriage.
The joke never gets old, and neither does the baby.
17. My favorite sex position is called “WOW”…
It’s where I flip your MOM over
18. “Mom, I’m dating a man.”
“Whom, sweetheart?”
“Mike the mailman.”
“Mike the mailman? But he could be your father!”
“But mom, age is just a number.”
“Sweetheart, I don’t think you understood.”
19. Why are so many Americans stupid?
Cuz they shoot the ones that go to school
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21. In a Vegan Zombie Apocalypse, who would still die?
Coma patients and disabled people.
22. Wife was cleaning 12-year-old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband “what do we do?”
Husband says “I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t fucking spank him.”
23. A boy comes home from a fishing trip with his father
His mother says, “How was the fishing trip, son?”
The boy replies, “I had a great time, every day daddy threw me out of the boat and I had to swim back to shore.”
Mother says, “That sounds horrible.”
The boy replies, “It wasn’t so bad, the hard part was getting out of the bag.”
24. People afraid of pedophiles need to just grow up
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26. I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”
I responded, “How about now?”
27. I just won a paintball match with my friends.
It turns out that using a real gun is a big help as it has only one downside that only red color is available.
28. Where is the worst place to die?
Dead center at the necrophile convention.
29. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
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31. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
32. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
33. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
34. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
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36. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”
37. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
38. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
39. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
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41. My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.
42. My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
43. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
44. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
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46. I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
47. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
48. I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
49. Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now!
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