Masha
I remember my brother asking my dad what being a dad was like, and him replying that it was sort of like being a chef race-car driver performing rocket surgery. This one’s for all those chef race-car driver surgeons out there:
1.
"Dad, I cant sleep."
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
"Dad Im seven-"
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 6, 2014
2.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
— a skeleton head (@Death_Buddy) January 18, 2015
3.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 9, 2016
4.
https://twitter.com/EJGomez/status/717391636767105027
5.
https://twitter.com/MarkAgee/status/517859425395433472
6.
https://twitter.com/Pro_Jones_/status/647086216312041472
7.
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/606858330955509760
8.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway— joeg (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
9.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) April 21, 2016
10.
https://twitter.com/KeetPotato/status/620592787654881280
11.
https://twitter.com/Pro_Jones_/status/653394722417831936
12.
Just 4 dads doing dad stuff being dads pic.twitter.com/YSVQh6CWEZ
— cody (@okdudeya) August 26, 2015
13.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor's dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 15, 2014
14.
"The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
— Still Not Megan (@bodegacat212) October 22, 2014
15.
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.
"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"
Do you have any 'baes'?
"Please leave"
— جســـار (@Jassar_JD) May 13, 2015
16.
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/678805399747715072
17.
https://twitter.com/thepatrickwalsh/status/460833232917770240
18.
my dad put dried seaweed on pocky pic.twitter.com/kM8VRmH1js
— 현춘이 (@ughHugs) August 26, 2015
19.
https://twitter.com/daemonic3/status/697294090044440577
20.
"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 15, 2016
21.
This is why I haven't accepted my dad's friend request. pic.twitter.com/cDhR55iz9E
— Liv (@oliviagirling) February 2, 2015
22.
"Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?"
"No."
"OK."
"Hold still."
"What're you putting on me?"
"Sunscreen."
"It smells like ketchup."
"Shhh"— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 22, 2014
23.
https://twitter.com/JaySaysStuff/status/501826681963696129
24.
https://twitter.com/Home_Halfway/status/543419306600857600
25.
KID: Why's the sky blue
DAD: It's sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction— batkaren (@batkaren) March 5, 2015
26.
Son: I'm gay, dad.
Dad: no I'm gay dad
Dad #2: no I'm gay dad
— Knipples (@StevieKnip) September 30, 2014
h/t BuzzFeed
