I remember my brother asking my dad what being a dad was like, and him replying that it was sort of like being a chef race-car driver performing rocket surgery. This one’s for all those chef race-car driver surgeons out there:
1.
"Dad, I cant sleep."
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
"Dad Im seven-"
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 6, 2014
2.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
— a skeleton head (@Death_Buddy) January 18, 2015
3.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 9, 2016
4.
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) April 5, 2016
5.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad? pic.twitter.com/jodNw0Iom1
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) October 3, 2014
6.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's-
Son: Dad please don't…
Dad: Lawn gone.
— Zachary James (@Pro_Jones_) September 24, 2015
7.
"Welcome to Dad Party! Give it up for our host, DJ Mad Skillz!"
[grabs mic] I'M NOT MAD SKILLZ JUST DISAPPOINTED SKILLZ
*dads go nuts*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 5, 2015
8.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway— joe to the world (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
9.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like Iām in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*— Kalvonavirus (@KalvinMacleod) April 21, 2016
10.
doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas"
me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]— k e i t h š¤š„ (@KeetPotato) July 13, 2015
11.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don't.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
— Zachary James (@Pro_Jones_) October 12, 2015
12.
Just 4 dads doing dad stuff being dads pic.twitter.com/YSVQh6CWEZ
— cody (@grottycotty) August 26, 2015
13.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor's dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 15, 2014
14.
"The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
— My name is not Megan (@bodegacat212) October 22, 2014
15.
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.
"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"
Do you have any 'baes'?
"Please leave"
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 13, 2015
16.
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
"Dad, why'd you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?"
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON'T
My presents felt
— Terry F (@daemonic3) December 21, 2015
17.
My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) April 28, 2014
18.
my dad put dried seaweed on pocky pic.twitter.com/kM8VRmH1js
— ķģ¶ģ“ (@ughHugs) August 26, 2015
19.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
"You have any moving boxes?"
No all our boxes stay still
"Well you better go- wait what?"
Stop calling here, Dad
— Terry F (@daemonic3) February 10, 2016
20.
"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 15, 2016
21.
This is why I haven't accepted my dad's friend request. pic.twitter.com/cDhR55iz9E
— Liv (@oliviagirling) February 2, 2015
22.
"Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?"
"No."
"OK."
"Hold still."
"What're you putting on me?"
"Sunscreen."
"It smells like ketchup."
"Shhh"— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 22, 2014
23.
Hot single dads in your area AREN'T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
— James (@UrAvgDegenerate) August 19, 2014
24.
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn't give you one?
*all the other dad's give him high fives*— Just Some Guy | Black Lives Matter (@Home_Halfway) December 12, 2014
25.
KID: Why's the sky blue
DAD: It's sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: ā¦
MOM: ā¦
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction— batkaren (@batkaren) March 5, 2015
26.
Son: I'm gay, dad.
Dad: no I'm gay dad
Dad #2: no I'm gay dad
— Knipples (@StevieKnip) September 30, 2014
h/t BuzzFeed