I remember my brother asking my dad what being a dad was like, and him replying that it was sort of like being a chef race-car driver performing rocket surgery. This one’s for all those chef race-car driver surgeons out there:
"Dad, I cant sleep."
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
"Dad Im seven-"
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
— Hoppers (@FrogAvalanche) December 6, 2014
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
— a skeleton head (@Death_Buddy) January 18, 2015
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He's almost finished.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) February 9, 2016
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) April 5, 2016
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad? pic.twitter.com/jodNw0Iom1
— Mark Agee (@MarkAgee) October 3, 2014
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he's-
Son: Dad please don't…
Dad: Lawn gone.
— Zachary James (@Pro_Jones_) September 24, 2015
"Welcome to Dad Party! Give it up for our host, DJ Mad Skillz!"
[grabs mic] I'M NOT MAD SKILLZ JUST DISAPPOINTED SKILLZ
*dads go nuts*
— Terry F (@daemonic3) June 5, 2015
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
— joe to the world (@gojarbe) September 5, 2015
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DAD: *nods his approval*
— Kalvonavirus (@KalvinMacleod) April 21, 2016
doc: "your dad's been in a coma for 9 days, we're running out of ideas"
me: "let me try" [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
— k e i t h 🐤🥔 (@KeetPotato) July 13, 2015
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
— Zachary James (@Pro_Jones_) October 12, 2015
Just 4 dads doing dad stuff being dads pic.twitter.com/YSVQh6CWEZ
— cody (@grottycotty) August 26, 2015
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor's dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
— Good Kyle (@KyleMcDowell86) October 15, 2014
"The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
— My name is not Megan (@bodegacat212) October 22, 2014
Sensible dad: I'd like to buy 3 'fleeks' & 7 'swags' for my son.
"Sir this is Urban Outfitters"
Do you have any 'baes'?
— Danny Charnley (@DanKCharnley) May 13, 2015
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
"Dad, why'd you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?"
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON'T
My presents felt
— Terry F (@daemonic3) December 21, 2015
My dad's visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
— Patrick Walsh (@thepatrickwalsh) April 28, 2014
my dad put dried seaweed on pocky pic.twitter.com/kM8VRmH1js
— 현춘이 (@ughHugs) August 26, 2015
U-HAUL, may I help you?
"You have any moving boxes?"
No all our boxes stay still
"Well you better go- wait what?"
Stop calling here, Dad
— Terry F (@daemonic3) February 10, 2016
"We can't put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes"
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 15, 2016
This is why I haven't accepted my dad's friend request. pic.twitter.com/cDhR55iz9E
— Liv (@oliviagirling) February 2, 2015
"Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?"
"What're you putting on me?"
"It smells like ketchup."
— Uncle Duke (@UncleDuke1969) June 22, 2014
Hot single dads in your area AREN'T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
— James (@UrAvgDegenerate) August 19, 2014
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn't give you one?
*all the other dad's give him high fives*
— Just Some Guy | Black Lives Matter (@Home_Halfway) December 12, 2014
KID: Why's the sky blue
DAD: It's sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 5, 2015
Son: I'm gay, dad.
Dad: no I'm gay dad
Dad #2: no I'm gay dad
— Knipples (@StevieKnip) September 30, 2014