15 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday

11.

I burped so loud at a restaurant that 3 people turned around in their seats like I was a contestant on “The Voice”.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) December 16, 2018

12.

cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen

: very

— m@thew (@TweetPotato314) December 16, 2018

13.

Friend: who you got in tonight’s NBA game?

Me: tough call. the Wizards have magic wands…but Raptors have teeth and claws…but Wizards have invisiblilty cloaks…but a Raptor is a freaking Dinosaur-

— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) December 16, 2018

14.

[Looking at plans for building Rome]
Me: How long will it take?

Builder *whistles through his teeth and shrugs* a day?

— Jon (@ArfMeasures) December 16, 2018

15.

Me: *quietly* I wish my house were haunted by a nice ghost who just wanted to hang out & make each other laugh

My dog:

Me: *much louder* I SAID I’M SUPER LONELY

— dick snickers (@smithsara79) December 14, 2018