When one passes on, one hopes to be memorialized in some sort of touching, or poignant way. At the very least, one would expect their loved ones to not completely, irrevocably muss up the corporeal manifestation of their worldly legacy.
Unfortunately, Nicole Campbell wasn’t so lucky. This year, Twitter user Jen D’Angelo (@jenlikespizza) uploaded a picture of memorial bench memorandum mistake that has English teachers around the country cackling with glee.
Sorry but I love this badly phrased memorial bench so much pic.twitter.com/oe6gj6BUEz
— Jen D’Angelo (@jenlikespizza) April 29, 2018
The bench was simply trying to let the world know that Nicole Campbell couldn’t see a dog without smiling. Understandable. However, the atrocious wording here casts Nicole Campbell in a far crueler light, implying that she:
A) Had never in her life seen a dog, and
B) Never smiled.
Poor Nicole Campbell.
Twitter — the home of the world’s top roasters — found the bench hysterical.
Why didn’t someone just show this poor woman a dog? 🙁
— Jett Vee-riosa (@rubydoomsday) April 30, 2018
can’t help but think if she saw a dog she might have smiled
— Richard W. Woodley (@the5thColumnist) April 30, 2018
Classic cat lady.
— mostly [value optimized out] (@b_jammin_) April 30, 2018
The lesson here: Going through life without ever seeing a dog can be a little depressing, although a remarkable achievement.
— Carl Clark (@cfclark) April 29, 2018
That sounds like someone horribly cursed in a Hans Christian Andersen story
— Tom Scudder (@tomscud) April 29, 2018
Anyone who went thru life without seeing a dog or smiling deserves a bench named after him.
— Sun Chron Politics (@TSCPolitics) April 30, 2018
“Adult sees dog for the first time” would be a good acting exercise.
— Derek Ahlswede (@derekahlswede) April 29, 2018
Nicole does sound like a lovely person
— 🍸 DB McWeeberton 🤖 (@DBMcWeeberton) April 30, 2018
yasss love it. poor nicole; dogs and smiling are awesome.
— it puts the pizza in pizzazz (@auldbat) April 30, 2018
The official Twitter account of Ginseng English — an online company that teaches people how to speak English — joined the conversation to break down precisely where Nicole Campbell’s bench-makers went wrong.
So let’s look at exactly what the problem is here.
Right now, “and” connects two verbs. It sounds like Nicole did two things:
1. 🙈🐕Nicole never saw a dog.
2. 😐😐Nicole didn’t smile.— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
What they are actually trying to say is that Nicole really loved dogs. Every time she saw a dog, she smiled. 100% of the time that she saw a dog, she smiled.
— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
One way to say this is,
There was never a time when she saw a dog and didn’t smile.
This works because “saw a dog” and “didn’t smile” are now connected to “a time” (that never happened) instead of “Nicole.”
— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
But that’s not a very beautiful sentence. They want something shorter. I think our best option would be to remove “and.” We could say:
…who never saw a dog without smiling.
Here the smiling is directly connected to seeing a dog.
— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
There is one more problem here, that @costachess notices. Right now we have:
Who never saw a dog and didn’t smile.
Capital letter and period. It looks like a sentence. But this isn’t supposed to be a full sentence, right?
— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
“Who never saw…” is a relative clause describing “Nicole Campbell.”
The correct punctuation would be:
In loving memory of Nicole Campbell, who never saw a dog and didn’t smile.
— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
Notice that this still isn’t a complete sentence. It is common to engrave memorials with “in memory of…” There is an implied subject here:
[This bench is] in memory of Nicole…
— Ginseng English (@ginsenglish) April 30, 2018
Here’s to you, Nicole Campbell. May wherever you are now including many dogs and spellcheckers.