Masha
11.
I was teaching nutrition and garden education to second graders. Really sick, all hopped up on cold medicine on a rainy day, and discussing our agrarian community.
Me: does anyone know any farmers?
Kid: yeah, my uncle is a farmer!
Me: nice! What does he farm?
Kid: Pot.
Me:
Me: (slowly blinks)
Class: (giggles)
Me: okay, we’re talkin fruits and vegetables here, people! Does anyone else know a farmer? How about Farmer John? Do you guys know Farmer John, with the pumpkins?? (Babbling continues)
12.
Overheard a grade 6 student tell a group of kids in his class that if they don’t take their viagra they wouldn’t be able to please their girlfriend. It was surprising
13.
I teach Pre-K. The kids were out at recess and one was riding a bike wearing his helmet, as he should. One of my girls walked by and hit him over the head with our plastic baseball bat. I asked her why she did that. She replied “Eh, he has a helmet on”. I had to turn away and snort before telling her it wasn’t OK to hit anyone, even if they have a helmet.
14.
Teaching first grade and a kid came up to me and said “Miss, E just said something bad” So I walk over to E and ask if he said something inappropriate. He shrugs, looks sheepish and says “I said cows have big boobies”.
I literally paused with my mouth open, was not expecting that one…
15.
I had been painting over some Sharpie on the wall with oil paint or Killz or something similar but the smell lingers for a long time. High schoolers start to come in for class, Girl A yells, “WHY’S IT STINK IN HERE?”
Girl B says, “Because yo mouth is open.”
Girl A rifles back, “Because yo legs is open.”
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— Ruin My Week (@RuinedWeek) December 11, 2018
16.
I worked at an alternative ed school for kids who were expelled from their old schools. I taught a class of 8th grade boys so I have tons of great stories. My favorite was one day I was reading out loud from the newspaper that Old Country Buffet was closing down, and one of my students said, “ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME” while simultaneously punching a hole in the window. I laughed so hard but also had to give him detention and fill out a ton of paperwork.
17.
This is more of something a student did. About a month ago I hear a kid yelling “my eyes are burning”. I ask him what’s wrong and he says that another kid sprayed him with something. I go to that kid and he hands me a bottle of Warhead spray candy and says “it’s just water”. When I told him that water doesn’t burn eyes he replies with “well I did put salt in it.”
18.
This teacher has had 4 last names because of remarrying in the last 5 to 6 years. An 11 year old student was wondering why this teacher has had so many names.
11yr old: Mrs. have you been married before?
Teacher: Yes.
11yr old: Oh, so you’re a ho?
The kid honestly didn’t mean it to be mean. He just thought that is what you call someone who has been married a few times. Luckily the teacher didn’t take offense to it and said, “Well, he isn’t wrong.” However, his homeroom teacher wasn’t as forgiving.
19.
Not a teacher, but my mom is. At a private Catholic elementary school during mass, a 4th grade boy was giving the Sign of Peace (shakings hands with those around him and saying “Peace” or “Peace be with you”) and instead of saying “Peace” he was muttering “pen*s” under his breath.
He got a detention but she said it was pretty funny and they all laughed about it later.
20.
I had recess duty a few years ago. A kindergarten girl came running over with another girl right after her and said “She called me the b-word.” When I asked the second student if she called the first student the b-word, she turned to the first one and said “Motherf**ker doesn’t start with a b.”
I managed to turn my laugh into a cough, but yeah no more recess for her that day.
Edited to add: Holy crap, my inbox has exploded overnight. I also received my first platinum, gold and silver ever, so thank you! I don’t think the first girl even realized motherfucker was a swear so she was focused on the word “bitch.”
21.
I actually didn’t punish this kid though I was supposed to, but I couldn’t stop laughing.
So, whenever my high schoolers whine about something I say “Into every life a little rain must fall…” which is my polite (and deliberately annoying) way of saying suck it up.
By the end of the year, they’re so used to it that all I have to do is say “Into every life…” and they roll their eyes and grumble but at least they stop complaining.
Well, one day a kid comes in my room and he’s already complaining about something that hasn’t even happened yet. So I say “Into every life…”
And he says “A little rain must fall, I know. But Mrs Dannicalliope, it’s a f*ng thunderstorm right now.”
22.
Kid was doodling on the whiteboard at the front of the class and I told him to cut it out because he was going to waste the marker (it was the end of the year and I didn’t want to have to buy more). He grins and then says “But it’s just the tip!” And then another student yelled out “That’s what she said!” I tried so hard to keep a straight face and failed so badly.
23.
An eighth-grade student once told me “you look like the kind of girl who’d be friends with the lunch ladies.”
