Every week, we make it our mission to collect all of the most hilarious tweets by women purely for your enjoyment. This week’s list is chock-full of the best lady comedians on Twitter who have made us laugh so hard that we actually peed our pants.
So, grab a cocktail and enjoy this downright ridiculous lineup of jokes by the females of the Twitter-verse.
walking into my booked conference room after the previous meeting goes 1 minute over pic.twitter.com/5fEQvUTTXy
— sara reinis (@SaraReinis) March 5, 2019
every time someone from my high school unfollows me, I level up
— talliesin young (@thomasjeferstan) March 6, 2019
today in incredible power moves, my homegoods cashier sniffed each of my candles as she rung them up and nodded or shook her head after each one.
— anna borges (@annabroges) March 6, 2019
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
— Kate Clayborn (@kateclayborn) March 2, 2019
some kid in the library is bragging loudly about how he got a 35 on the ACT well sir I signed up for the ACT but forgot I did and missed the test and we still ended up at the same school how does that make you feel
— syd (@sydneyleemarco) March 3, 2019
As a self-employed person, I fire myself upwards of 732 times a day
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) March 7, 2019
Sorry I can’t come to the phone right now I just saw that you were calling, silenced my phone, then flipped it over to ease my guilt. I’ll text you in two hours with an excuse!
— Carly Ledbetter (@ledbettercarly) March 5, 2019
Everyone talks about learning how to love your body but no one talks about learning how to love your obnoxious laugh in the background of every insta story.
— Hannah Berner (@beingbernz) February 11, 2019
need somebody to come crack my back like a glow stick and then dunk my whole body into a hot spring like it's a bag of lipton
— Hannah Giorgis (@ethiopienne) March 5, 2019
I was looking up old Barbies on eBay, and all the Kens look like shitty Tinder dudes who got turned into dolls by a witch. pic.twitter.com/GXOXHtGkrI
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 6, 2019
No one takes baths because it’s impossible to know when they’re over.
— Abbi Crutchfield (@curlycomedy) March 5, 2019
My fav part of living alone is burning my mouth on a pizza bagel & spitting it onto the floor
— julia davidovich (@juliadavidovich) March 4, 2019
I pretend I am a burrito more than you might think.
— roxane gay (@rgay) March 5, 2019