26. I called my wife at work and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Sounding concerned, she said, “No.”
I responded, “How about now?”
27. I just won a paintball match with my friends.
It turns out that using a real gun is a big help as it has only one downside that only red color is available.
28. Where is the worst place to die?
Dead center at the necrophile convention.
29. I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
31. I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
32. My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
33. I was reading a great book about an immortal dog the other day. It was impossible to put down.
34. It turns out a major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys. It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
36. “Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!”
37. Today I decided to go visit my childhood home. I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door on my face. My parents are the worst.
38. “Just say NO to drugs!” Well, If I’m talking to my drugs, I probably already said yes.
39. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!” They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
41. My son, who’s into astronomy, asked me how stars die. “Usually an overdose, son,” I told him.
42. My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
43. I’d like to have kids one day. I don’t think I could stand them any longer than that, though.
44. Imagine if you walked into a bar and there was a long line of people waiting to take a swing at you. That’s the punch line.
46. I have a fish that can breakdance! Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
47. If you donate one kidney, everybody loves you, and you’re a total hero. But donate five and suddenly everyone is yelling. Sheesh!
48. I have a joke about trickle-down economics. But 99% of you will never get it.
49. Did you hear about the guy who got his left side chopped off? He’s all right now!