Most of us aren’t lucky enough to have idyllic childhoods. Despite their best efforts, our parents aren’t perfect. There are parents who are genuinely doing their best from moment to moment, but it still might not be enough. Then there are parents who are just bad, but we don’t always realize that until later in life or after many, many therapy sessions.
In a recent Reddit thread, users are discussing signs of bad parenting.
The discussion was sparked after one user asked the question: What are some common signs that someone grew up with sh*tty parents? The answers included emotional numbness, reluctance to see them as an adult, and even silent footsteps.
Here are 20 signs you grew up with bad parents, according to Redditors. Be warned, it gets a little heavy.
1. Emotional numbness
Emotional numbness especially in the face of bad things. Once you’ve seen enough shit certain things just don’t faze you anymore.
2. No desire to see them
I have anxiety attacks as soon as I start planning my next mandatory trip. This was my first indicator that…you know, maybe my relationship with my parents isn’t so great.
3. “Spoiled”
You remember being severely neglected yet you were told: “you are spoiled.”
4. The lies
Lies specifically for avoiding conflict. Actually, I change my answer to Avoiding Conflict. It’s avoidance until an explosion. It’s all they know.
5. “Why is nobody mentioning the silent foot steps?”
When you grow up with parents that will yell at you for existing you develop the ability to hide your presence as much as possible and always try to keep your noise and visibility to a minimum.
6. Kindness seems foreign
They don’t understand simple gestures of kindness. Took my husband a long time to understand that my parents liked giving little gifts to people and doing things for them, that they weren’t trying to insult him or us or make us feel incompetent, they were just showing affection.
7. Love
The ability to love but not believing for a second that anyone could love you back. That you simply aren’t worthy of it.
8. Lack of self-cofidence
Lacking self confidence in all areas of life, even ones you seemingly excel in by others opinions. The complete inability to see yourself as worthy of anything at all.
9. Feeling like a bad person
I always felt like every little mistake was my fault and I should apologize for being such a bad person. I wasn’t a bad person, I was just a child being a child.
10. Paranoia
Paranoia, the inability to trust others, and obsessively overthinking every conversation they have. Also— speaking from a personal perspective— people that grew up with toxic parents continue to question their sanity and reality here & there from the continuous gaslighting.
11. Repressed memory
Not being able to remember the majority of their childhood. I’m talking about huge gaps of time you just cannot recall. I get it. Repressing the memories is just the mind trying it’s best to protect itself.
12. Afraid to make the same mistakes
I don’t ever want to marry and even if I do, I’m not going to have kids. I don’t want to imagine someone else, especially my children going through something like I did. What if I can’t provide emotionally or financially like my parents and they end up like me? I can’t take that guilt into my grave.
I spent my whole childhood on the brink of suicide and even now when things are a bit better, my body is used to that anxiety so badly that I often let loose even without registering it in my head that I’m letting loose.
13. Stunted social growth
Due to my parents never caring about what I was interested in after giving up on me being the sports kid, I now carry a type of vibe that makes it easy for people to talk over me when I’m mid sentence and alot not even realize it.
I genuinely cannot hold a conversation like a normal person because I never had casual talks with my parents to learn any of that. I never had casual talks with friends since what I learned from my parents was that people only speak to me when they want something or need help. (Online is a godsend tho since I don’t have to look at people or I can take my time to respond).
14. People-pleaser
They’re a desperate people-pleaser. Someone who’ll leap to the aid of anyone, who’ll give up anything they have so that someone else doesn’t miss out, who will go well out of their way to be of assistance, and who abhors needing ANY help themselves.
15. “Pressure like a drip, drip, drip that’ll never stop…”
So many people see this as a positive trait because they appear so helpful, but it’s killing them inside. There is a difference between someone who is genuinely helpful and someone who measures their self worth by being helpful. As someone who is recovering from this mindset, I can assure you that it’s ok to say “no, I can’t help right now.” People won’t hate you, they will respect you more if you set boundaries. And if they do hate you for saying no, then they were the ones taking advantage of you and you should drop them like a sack if moldy potatoes.
16. Unable to form attachments
They don’t form attachments to others. They grew up in an environment where such attachments were a negative and or resulted in negative outcomes.
17. Afraid to put yourself first
Terrified to put themselves first. This is the saddest trait because it’s the easiest for fresh predators to take advantage of when the parents are out of the picture.
If only terrible parents knew or cared that they were grooming their kids for future abuse.
18. Unwilling to open up
They’re completely unwilling to open up and share anything because in their experience it will always be used against them.
19. Control freak
Control freak. They grew up in chaos (alcoholism, gambling, foreclosure), and are obsessed with averting some unforeseen disaster.
20. Emotional deregulation
Emotional deregulation is a big one. I have cried over some very minor things or have had explosive emotional outbursts because I didn’t have a healthy model for expressing my feelings when growing up.