Kids have a way of knowing their own minds and it’s incredibly hard to step back and let them go. Especially when they want a big chunk of money to do something you absolutely don’t agree with.
That’s what’s happening to Redditor u/notowedding, who shared his story or r/AmItheA–hole under the title, “AITA for refusing to pay for my daughter’s wedding?”
His daughter “Ellie” is newly engaged to a man named “Tom” who the OP calls “a pile of human garbage (to put it nicely)” and the last person he’d ever want his daughter to be with. He says they’ve been together three years, and he’s cheated on her five times in that duration.
Once was just after his daughter suffered a miscarriage. Tom told her he needed “his time to grieve” and cheating was how he got through it.
He also dislikes Tom because he has been unemployed since COVID hit and doesn’t do anything around the house.
The OP knows this because Ellie’s brother stayed with them for a while and reported back how Tom doesn’t do jack. He’s tried to intervene:
My wife and I have had so many sit downs with her, individual heart to hearts about her relationship, how toxic Tom is and she deserves so much better. Ellie always said they’re working on their relationship and he’s becoming a better man. Yet the last time he cheated was 3 months ago.
So many times I’ve told Ellie to have some love and respect for herself because this isn’t how she should be treated. We’ve asked if something deeper was going on that made her afraid to leave and we’d support her in whatever way possible to get her out of that relationship.
I don’t know if it’s denial but she swears things are improving and gets defensive the more we talk about it.
A few weeks ago, the engagement was announced and the OP was “beyond disappointed.”
When my daughter asked if I’d be willing to help pay for the wedding (as I did when my older daughter got married), I told her I refuse to pay for a wedding I don’t support.
I said I will always love her no matter what but I believe it’s a mistake and I can’t pay for something i don’t support. My daughter has been upset ever since and has been urging my wife to talk to me.
As much as she hates Tom, my wife thinks it’s not fair that I paid for our other daughter’s wedding and not Ellie’s, and we need to set this aside to support her. Tom had the audacity to call me and I gave him a piece of my mind. There’s been a lot of conflict around this.
The OP wants to know if he’s being too big of an a–hole by withholding financial support for this wedding he’s dreading. He asked Reddit what they think.
Most of them think that the OP should save the money—for when his daughter needs a divorce or counseling. Unfortunately, falling in love with horrible people isn’t a rare occurrence.
Some people shared how they’re seen other people in their family do the same thing or how they went through it themselves.
But none of them thought he was an a–hole. No one is obligated to pay for a wedding, especially when they know they’re paying for their daughter’s future unhappiness. Stay strong, dad.