Patricia Grisafi
A lot of people use the term “gaslighting” in ways that aren’t accurate, but a recent Reddit post shows just how awful and abusive true gaslighting is. One Redditor wrote in that she is desperate and confused because of her husband’s behavior.
While she works, her husband stays at home and apparently keeps the water and lights on all day.
When the OP asks him why, he gives her a line about her “having hands and not choosing to be a mechanic” over and over again. It’s such a weird and upsetting story — far above Reddit’s pay grade.
“I am posting here out of desperation because I have been having this discussion with my husband for months. I used to think I was reasonable but his inability to understand makes me think I am insane. Please help me with your objective feedback,” the OP asks.
“My husband and I live together in an apartment. I go to work every day at 7 am and by the time I get home at 7 pm the lights are on in every room and the water is running in the kitchen and the bathroom sinks. According to him they are on all day every day. I cannot work from home and we are wasting a lot of money.”
“I have asked him if there is any reason he needs to turn them on all day but he tells me that it is impossible to turn the lights and water off. When I told him it is not impossible because he can turn them off using his hands, he says ‘but you have hands and you choose not to work as a mechanic, so I also can choose not to turn it off.’ I tell him that it is different because it costs money and is bad to waste resources but he insists it’s the same thing because I can technically be a mechanic but choose not to do so, so why does he have to choose to turn off the lights. When I am at home I turn them off after him and it doesn’t seem to cause him any discomfort to have them off but he just refuses to turn them off himself.”
“When I talk to him about it he says I am nagging him and that I should leave him alone. Is he right that I am wrong and is his mechanic analogy accurate? By the way we are a single income household and I know we could be paying less for bills if he would stop leaving things on all day long.”
The moderator for AITA said that this post was “so far above reddit’s paygrade it feels irresponsible to continue to allow comments.”
The post has since gone viral because it’s so outrageous, with people continuing to discuss the perplexing and disturbing situation.
The OP added more information, answering a commenter who wanted to know more about their financial situation:
“He does actually control things financially. I am the only one who works because the day we were legally married he changed, quit his job and does not respect our living space at all. He insists I give him all the money we have left after paying for the essentials, saying that I am abusive if I don’t, and I don’t even have credit on my phone or buy things I need because he insists on having all the money. I have thoughts of leaving but would feel guilty for breaking my vows but this wasn’t who he represented himself as.”
“I used to think that he was talking nonsense but after months of his angrily saying that I choose not to be a mechanic so why can’t he choose not to turn off the lights and water, I have begun to doubt my own sanity which is why I posted on here. Thank you for confirming that I am in fact sane for wanting him to stop wasting the lights and water. In addition living with him is stressful because he leaves garbage all over the floor and makes a mess daily,” the OP also added later.
Redditors were rightfully concerned.
“NTA – your husband is an abusive arsehole and you need him out of the house immediately. He’s doing what’s called financial control, by wasting electricity and water he’s making sure you’re never in the situation where you can afford to separate. I suggest secretly planting spy cameras in your house when he’s not home to catch him in the act. Also hire a psychiatrist to see why he’s behaving like a child. You are not in a healthy relationship and take it from me, you need to change it quickly,” said Sleepy_Heather.
“OP, you’re in a stronger position than many women in abusive relationships in that you’re the earner. Switch bank accounts so your salary goes into an account under your name only, sort out any paperwork you need, and leave. He may be ill, he may be controlling as f*ck. Either way, he’s got issues that you can’t deal with and maybe, without you there, he’ll seek the help he needs. Good luck. NTA, in case there was ever any doubt,” said busylizzie65.
“NTA I beg you to leave him. I’m genuinely concerned for your wellbeing and safety. Shelters etc will not judge you or send you away. Everyday abused people walk through their doors feeling they are over exaggerated and dramatic, but that’s just a feeling from abuse and they will see through it and help you,” advised gr8rs.
“A lot of abuse is hard to recognize when it’s not physical or someone yelling in our faces. From an outside perspective let us tell you this is insane. Based on your comments, you did not marry this man. You married who he was pretending to be. The moment it was official he pulled the rug out from underneath you. You feel stuck but you are not. You are also not alone. A lot of us have been abused in these baffling ways. The night before the first day back to work after our honeymoon my ex-husband took my alarm clock. I kept asking why and he said it annoyed him. This was before using a phone for an alarm – it was an actual digital alarm clock. I asked him what if I oversleep?? And he, completely calm but stern, said I’d just have to wake up on my own. In hindsight this is the perfect illustration for how his abuse manifested. I’d exert all my energy trying to restore things to normal while he actively worked against me. This is not the type of person you can negotiate with. Going to counseling with him will just give him more tools and lingo to weaponize. I’m really sorry. But I’m also relieved that you’re seeing him for who he is so early and can get out before losing anymore time,” explained _ohgnome_.
The main account has been suspended, so Redditors are worried they won’t hear if this situation was resolved and the OP was able to safely leave what is definitely an abusive relationship.
Featured Image: Pexels
