It’s sad that there are still families who would disown and shun their children if they found out they were gay, but here we are. So obviously, fear of being disowned doesn’t magically make a gay person straight — it just might lead them to making decisions that hurt them and others.
On Reddit, one woman who discovered her husband is gay decided to out him to his homophobic Mormon family — because he knew he was gay the whole time and lied to her just to please them.
Was she wrong?
“It’s a long and sucky story, but my (25F) soon to be ex (28M) is gay and hid that from me. I found out because I caught him cheating and he as much as admitted that he knew he wasn’t attracted to me that way, but he wanted kids and a ‘normal’ life. I don’t care that he’s gay, but I will never forgive him for leading me on so he could use me to have kids, so it’s over, end of story.”
The OP says that another problem is that her ex’s family are “fundamentalist nutjobs” and that his MIL is interfering and “from hell.”
The family does not believe in divorce, so they have been hounding the OP regarding the split.
“It became apparent that my ex didn’t tell his family that he cheated, he told his mom that I was divorcing him because we weren’t having sex often enough for me. I tried to be patient and explained that he had cheated and that’s why. I wasn’t going to go into greater detail because I know how his parents are and it’s none of their business.”
“MIL’s advice, I kid you not, was that men are just that way and if I wanted to have sex more and for him not to stray that I should make myself more attractive to my husband and be a better wife. I lost the plot completely. It had been a sad and hard day already and that was the last straw. Here’s where I might be the AH: I told her that the only thing that would make me more attractive to my ex would be a sex change operation and that I hoped he and his boyfriend adopted her some grandchildren so she could finally shut the hell up about it. Not my finest moment, but she just hit the worst and rawest nerve she could have and I exploded.”
“It’s evidently turned into a huge family drama, he’s probably going to be disowned, and my ex called sobbing that I’ve ruined his life out of spite. I don’t really know how to feel about it. I do feel bad for him that his parents are such awful people and there were just no ‘good’ outcomes for him, but I also feel like he made his own bed here, too.”
The OP added that there is “almost no chance of violence” and that they’re more into shunning. Also, she says that he’s had a boyfriend from before he met her and he’s known he’s been gay as well. He “literally set this up so he could have the nice Mormon family on the surface to keep his family happy.”
What do Redditors think?
“Probably unpopular opinion but NTA. You got pushed into a corner and blamed for the demise of the relationship which was ultimately bc of his dishonesty. You didn’t do it maliciously. Also he wasted years of your life for selfish reasons and I personally could never forgive that,” said __thatbitch.
“Speaking as someone who is queer, who has been forcibly outed in the past, who’s been tormented, made homeless, fired from jobs for not being straight–yeah, OP is 100% NTA here. A person doesn’t get to control their ex’s narrative when a relationship has ended. A cheater doesn’t get to expect protection from their ex. And he knew from the start and used her–if he wanted to not be outed, he should have made it very clear to his family that the breakup was his fault, and he should have told them that he is the one who caused it. She doesn’t owe him jack sh*t, and he was stupid to expect she’d just protect him from the consequences of his actions, at the cost of her own suffering,” explained RememberKoomValley.
“NTA. This is all such a crappy situation, but I agree with you. I feel like this was a straight up example of the ex expecting her to light herself on fire to keep him warm. He betrayed her in every possible way and expected her to gladly take the fall to family and friends to keep his secret. In just about any other circumstance, outing someone is one of the worst things you can do, but you cannot push a person to their very breaking point and then be surprised when they break. He could have said so many other reasons that would not have placed the blame solely on her,” noted hidinginthepantry.
“NTA. It is a kind and greater good thing to try not to out the person as it can be physically dangerous, but he also hasn’t really earned any kindness from you. He’s the as*hole that A) cheated and then B) lied about the reason why to his parents leading to his mom harassing you. And he’s also the asshole that was planning on essentially tricking you into a lifelong commitment while he likely would have been cheating the whole time had he not gotten caught now,” said mountainmonk72.
“While I generally prefer the company of gay men to straight men, the idea that gay men can’t be misogynistic is common and yet untrue. He may not have meant it like this, but using her just for children and manipulating her into thinking she was deficient is pretty rooted in misogyny. So sad,” said Raccoonsr29.
“Wow. What a sad situation. I’m going with NTA given the extreme provocation. It’s not like you set out maliciously to drop him in it – you didn’t go round to her house with the express intention of sharing this news. I’m sure your ex is very distressed at the moment, but to be honest you’ve done him a favour. People do spend years hiding their private life from their family but IT REALLY SCREWS THEM UP. The chances are that his parents will calm down and remember that they actually love him, and try and understand. But if they don’t, what would it have done to his well-being to have them pouring their hate out to him constantly for the rest of their lives? Inadvertently, you’ve ripped the plaster off – but it needed to come off one day. You’ve got your own hurt here, and it isn’t your job to make him feel better about himself. But if you could encourage him to make contact with relevant helplines there are people who can really support him at this time. In the UK I’d be pointing him to Samaritans and Switchboard. I hope you both find healing in your own ways,” said Ok_Smell_8260.