Woman Asks If She’s A Jerk For Denying Her Estranged Father A Kidney

Donating an organ is no simple matter — even if you actually want to. But what if the person who needs your organ is someone you don’t like?

One Redditor is in a complicated situation in which her estranged father needs a kidney—and she could be the only match.

To make matters more intense, her boyfriend is her father’s wife’s nephew. The two of them are very close, and he wants the OP to donate the kidney despite her unwillingness to help a man she considers a sperm donor only.

The OP (23F) explains that her father (71M) has chronic kidney disease and needs a transplant for survival. His three older children, which are her half-siblings, are not compatible. She has the same blood type, but hasn’t been tested yet for compatibility. She says that his blood type and comorbidities, like a fatty liver from alcohol consumption, make him an unlikely donor-recipient in her country.

“We met this year. My mom told me he was dead when I was a child because he didn’t want to be in my life. She told me the truth when I was 18 and I found out he was still alive, had other kids, and where he lived. After pondering, I decided not to contact him. I always lived in the same city and house growing up, so he knew where to find me and never tried. His name is not on my birth certificate. My mom’s BIL has been my dad for everything that counts.”

“A few years ago I met my father’s nephew (his wife’s nephew, 28M), ‘Max’. We became friends without knowing about the link and eventually started dating. Been together for two years. When we found out about the link, I told him I didn’t want my dad knowing about me and he respected my decision. They are fairly close because Max’s dad died when he was a teen and my father became his main male role model.”

The OP says she had to be hospitalized for an illness a few months ago. Her father heard that “Max’s girlfriend” was very sick from her half-sister and offered support — until he found out who “Max’s girlfriend” was.

“He insulted me and my boyfriend. Called me a gold digger and him an idiot for thinking I got close to him w/o knowing who he was. Up to this point, I didn’t even know they were rich. I knew they were well off, but Max works his ass off and never talks about money. We don’t live together and both lived abroad before the pandemic. I recently graduated uni, studied with a full scholarship abroad, worked and saved enough to pay for my masters. Even then, my mom’s legacy is substantial so I’m not worried at all for my future financially.”

“Max eventually forgave him and trusts I am not with him due to money. My father asked for forgiveness and I told him I was willing to be cordial with him for Max’s sake but that I would never see him as a dad figure and I wanted nothing from him.”

“Today he talked to Max, said his kidneys were failing and he would be hospitalized until a kidney becomes available. Max has asked me to test for compatibility before making a decision. I told him that it wasn’t necessary cause I’m not giving away a kidney. He got angry and said that this was a life or death situation, and that I could at least think about it. I am extremely distressed that he would even asked that of me and told him to f*ck off. I know people can live with one kidney, but every surgery comes with risks, and pregnancy does become higher risk. AITA for not giving an organ to someone that’s contributed nothing but his sperm to my life?”

What do Redditors think?

“NTA. But if you want to escape the pressure say you will get tested and tell the dr that your being pressured and you don’t want to donate. The dr will then tell them you’re not compatible,” informed TDallstars.

“NTA. And don’t do the test, nothing good can come of it if you’re set on not donating. But…honestly you and your BF aren’t set up for success here. There is soooo much baggage between you two. Tbh, some therapy would be really recommended, and now rather than later,” said Choperello.

“Living kidney donor here, who had a perfectly healthy pregnancy post donation! If you are healthy, you have nothing to worry about there. (Edit: apparently my point wasn’t clear. This isn’t meant to be medical advice. I was attempting to say that she didn’t need an excuse, or a chance of increased risk, or anything, to say no. Sorry guys! Late night redditing isn’t always a good idea!) But also, NTA. YOU DON’T NEED A ‘VALID’ REASON NOT TO GIVE A BODY PART AWAY. ‘No.’ Is a complete sentence. This isn’t an ‘easy’ ask. I was privileged in health to give a kidney to my sister’s husband, who I’ve known since I was 13, when I was 32. He is an amazing father and husband, and I wanted my niece and nephew to have their father. I didn’t do it because ‘life or death’ for a person who abandoned me and called me a gold digger. That’s ridiculous. Why would you go through the recovery process of losing a kidney for someone who has been terrible to you??! If you want to stay with your partner, and you want the least amount of drama possible, you can get tested. And then tell the nurse liaison that you feel coerced into donating and don’t want to. They will tell your bio-dad you weren’t a match. That’s it. End of story. But please consider if you actually want to be with someone who would be treat you like this. It’s not his body to make decisions with,” explained Jade_Echo.

“NTA, and I am even suspicious if the father might have had some clue about his health when he made that statement about forgiving him. But, I can empathize with Max and his thought process and he is your SO, so I do think you need to sit him down and explain your feelings and decision process. He may not agree, but if you are going to build a great relationship long-term, you should be willing to share your feelings about things so at least he can respect that you are taking his feelings into account, etc. But in the end, it’s your body,” said TSS345.

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