Over on Reddit, u/Ronin47dododo asked:
“Medical professionals of Reddit, what’s the funniest thing a patient has said under anesthesia?”
And boy oh boy, do we have some treats for you! Enjoy!
1. Sir, yes, sir!
“Anesthesiologist here. During recovery from general anesthesia, I called one of my patients by his full name in a loud voice. He opened his eyes, suddenly jumped upright, and sat on the bed, and he said something: ‘Sir, yes sir!’ He was under military service at that time.”—u/kabourayan
2. Anxiety
“A 65-year-old woman who had a wrist surgery was anxious, so they gave her a good whack of propofol. Mid-surgery she was having the time of her life. In a thick Northern Irish accent, she was like, ‘Did you just fill me up to me head with vodka? Gimme a wee bit more, boy; I’m loving this shit.’
“Then she said the anesthetist looked like Freddie Mercury and started singing ‘Don’t Stop Me Now.’ The anesthetist looked nothing like Freddie.”
3. Balls hanging out?
“I just had a bowel resection and was hopped up on morphine. My divorced parents hadn’t sat in a room that long together in forever. My sister uncomfortably quiet between them tells me my junk is hanging out of my hospital gown, and I say, ‘If my balls are hanging out, that makes this a ball gown.'” “It really helped with the tension.” —u/BaumingLife
4. Did they take it?
“A patient was yelling for his brother, whispering loudly to him, ‘Check to see if I still have my dick… I think they took my dick,’ and then proceeded to flash the whole room.”—u/Krinder
5. Broken date
“An 18-year-old girl ‘recognized’ the (male) anesthesiologist from Tinder last week. She accused him multiple times of not showing up to their agreed date — while randomly falling half-asleep in between sentences. As we put her back in bed, she mumbled that she is not even mad, just generally disappointed in men, and that she still thinks he’s pretty.”—u/SpectacularSociety
6. Trauma patient
“A patient came into the ED as a trauma, got ketamine sedation for an emergency procedure.
Patient: “I’m deaaaaaaaad.”
Staff: “No, you’re OK. We’re taking care of you.”
Patient: “I’m a ghoooooost. Whooooooo!” (makes wavy arm motions)
OK.
7. Fighting
“I apparently can’t handle my anesthesia. The first time I ‘woke up,’ I asked the nurse if I was going to be able to ‘fight’ by Monday. My wife properly translated that to ‘can he teach his wrestling class.'”
“Before we went home, she wanted to drop off my prescriptions at CVS. She left me locked in the running car. After she dropped off the prescription, she turned around to find me in the CVS, standing in the frozen dairy section, holding German chocolate ice cream. I told her I needed it ‘because my people made it.’ Car was still running with the passenger door left open.” —u/eidas007
8. “I was going through consent and the usual pre-op routine when I noticed that a female patient was giving me these weird sidelong glances and that her eyes would dart away every time I tried to make eye contact with her. She was also extremely fidgety and was stammering a lot in her responses to my questions. I kind of shrugged it off as preoperative nervousness and let the anesthetist do his business.
“Fast-forward 10 minutes and I’m standing behind her: she’s curled up into the fetal position with her ass hanging out, and I’m with colonoscope in hand. As the propofol starts rushing through her veins, she turns right around, grips my forearm, and stares up at me with a dreamy look on her face and goes: ‘You know what, Doc? I bet you kill it with the ladies.’
A moment later she was asleep, and I was checking her colon for polyps.” —u/FleaJam
9. Meaningful convo
“I was told by my dentist that when he was prepping me to remove my wisdom teeth, I asked him why he became a dentist.
“I vaguely remember him telling me a story about how when he was a preteen he was at a local pool, running around when he slipped and smashed his chin on concrete and shattered some of his teeth (ouch). He was amazed at how well they reconstructed his teeth that he decided to go into dentistry.
Apparently, I then looked this man in the eyes and said, ‘Well, that’s a stupid fuckin’ reason to become a dentist.'” —u/molegirl420
10. Fart
“I had a patient come into recovery after surgery. She farted so long and loud the entire 20-bed unit heard her. Then she said, ‘I was trying to clear my throat, excuse me. And I want a vanilla latte; I got a headache.’ As medical professionals, we had to hold in the laughter, but that didn’t stop patients from turning into hyenas.”—u/[deleted]
11. Burger King
The very first time I was under I was in third grade and was relatively scared. What kept me brave was the promise of Burger King breakfast afterward. It was an early morning procedure that required fasting, and I rarely got fast food.
“They ended up running behind that day, so it was up in the air if I would wake up and get out in time to get my breakfast (which ended at 10). The first words out of my mouth were ‘What time is it.’
When my mom informed me it was already about 9:30, I tried to get out of bed and nearly ripped out my IV in the process. When she tried to tell me that we would be late and I could get it another day, I promptly burst into tears.” —u/fatiguedaardvark
12. Wipe it!
“A woman woke up from surgery and said to her husband, ‘David! That alarm clock has a nose, and it’s running! Wipe it!'”—u/FunnyQueer
13. AIRPLANE.
“My mom was coming out from under anesthesia after a procedure a few years ago, and I was trying to help her. She puckered her lips, so I picked up her water cup and asked if she wanted some. She turned her face toward me and said, ‘Do I LOOK like an AIRPLANE?!’ The nurses and I completely lost it. I still tease her about it sometimes.”—u/audginator
14. Married to Cedric
“Oh god, I woke up sobbing. I was convinced that I was married to Cedric Diggory and he had just been killed by Voldemort. I’m cringing so hard just thinking about it. I was inconsolable.”—u/JamesLillian
15. Sunny Day, Sweepin the … Clouds Away!
“I gave a kid methoxyflurane after he broke his arm. When we got to the hospital, he went into the pediatric section of the ED, and there were stickers on the wall of Sesame Street characters. He started talking about this unicorn on the wall (there wasn’t one) and how it was trying to be friends with Elmo, but Elmo didn’t want to be friends with him. His mum and I had a chuckle, and I had to pry the whistle out of his hands.”
16. Hitler
“I’m a consultant anesthetist in the UK, and there are LOADS. Often declarations of love from the patient as the drugs are kicking in. My all-time favorite is a fortysomething guy a few years ago — he needed a testicle removed for cancer. He’d never had an anesthetic before and was super nervous, to the point of barely saying anything to anyone.”
As the drugs started to kick in, we realized someone was quietly singing. It was the patient singing, ‘Hitler…has only got one ball...‘” —u/FishOfCheshire
17. Balls tingly
“After being put under to have a wisdom tooth extracted, I told EVERYONE for an hour that my balls were tingling. I mean, they were…and folks just needed to know because it was hilarious. At least, to me it was SO FUNNY. We had to stop by the grocery store on the way home, and I think a few dozen people there heard about it, my poor wife.”—u/NOO8