Patricia Grisafi
There’s an art to the witty comeback. You have to be quick and in the right place at the right time with the right people for a quip to be fully appreciated.
On Reddit, folks are sharing the wittiest comebacks they’ve ever heard.
And some are classic while others take the witty comeback to an entirely different level. Let this be a lesson—maybe don’t ask a guy wearing a kilt what he’s wearing underneath unless you’re truly prepared to find out.
1. “Who Would Hire A Guy Like That?”
“Boss had just fired an insufferable asshole who was disliked by basically everyone despite his fantastic work ethic on a Friday. The following Monday he comes in to give a little pep talk to the department about how he’ll hire a replacement asap. At one point he drops something like ‘and that Jim guy is such an asshole I almost feel sorry for him. Who would ever hire a guy like that.’ Without hesitation the new kid who was working there maybe a week at the time drops ‘well, you did.'” — Taanistat
2. Thick Skull
“My brothers were fighting and one said the other had a thick skull, he responded by saying ‘that’s because I actually have something worth protecting.'” — that_sweet_old_lady
3. “Why Don’t You Pull Your Pants Up?”
“My friend got pantsed, underwear and all at a party. Instead of pulling his underwear and pants up, immediately, he just kept going about his business, while hanging dong. Those of us that knew him already thought it was hilarious. The people at the party that didn’t know him, looked really uncomfortable due to this dude having his pants and underwear around his ankles, with his wiener hanging freely. Our friend/the host said, ‘dude, why don’t you pull your pants up?’ Pantsed guy said, ‘I didn’t pull them down.’ Then took his turn in beer pong. The host then found the guy that did pull them down and made him pull our friend’s pants back up.” — wato89
4. “I’m Three”
“My 3 year old niece came over with her dad, and, as little kids do, just randomly interrupted our adult conversation to say emphatically: I’m THREE!
Me: Wow, sweetie! How did you get so old??
Niece, gently but matter-of-factly correcting me like I am a simpleton who needs help: Actually, I’m kind of new.
It’s been months and I laugh every time I think of this story.” — gingerytea
5. “I’m Not Ashamed”
“Someone yelled out in a Walmart, ‘I’m not ashamed of who I am.’ Another voice echoed back, ‘that’s your parents job.'” — ryanshaw345dfgew
6. “Your Mom’s A Whore!”
“‘Your mom’s a whore!’ ‘AND YOUR DAD’S A CUSTOMER!’ Funniest sh*t I’ve ever heard.” — meth-is-cool
7. “What Do You Wear Under Your Skirt?”
“At the Scottish games, dude asked a performer in a kilt ‘what do you wear under that skirt?’ The guy did not skip a beat and said ‘your mother’s lip stick.’ I f*cking laughed and so did the guys’ buddies. He was so shook.” — RHMS21
8. Pacemaker
“Was standing behind these two older adults and this teen girl at the gas station last year. She was on her phone and the guy snapped at her for ‘not knowing how to live without technology’ and without looking up she went ‘don’t you have a pacemaker?'” — SilverLullabies
9. Dick Jokes
“I was working on a railroad signal crew. We were behind on a project and were told that we’d have to work Saturday on an upcoming 3 day weekend. About noon that Friday, the foreman tells us that we’ve caught up enough that we can go now and enjoy our holiday weekend. One member of my crew was this huge angry viking of a man. Think 6’5″, 400lbs. He shouted ‘Yeah! I’m going to go home and surprise my girlfriend with a big dick!’ With absolute horror, I heard my own voice say ‘That would be a surprise, since you left home this morning with a little one.’ Fortunately, he thought it was hilarious because he was between me and the door.” — BanditSixActual
10. Mom’s Ass
“Mom and dad were arguing. Mom: Kiss my ass! Dad: Mark your spot, you’re all ass!” — DriftingPyscho
11. “At Least People Like When I Open My Mouth”
“We were having a debate about something during history class in high school. Kid who had a reputation for being a jerk told this girl who had a reputation for sleeping around to shut her mouth. She retorted, ‘At least people like when I open my mouth!’ Entire class lost their sh*t including the teacher.” — mb4828
12. Getting Turned On
“A guy told a female coworker she was so ugly that the only thing she could turn on was a hose. Without missing a beat, she replied that at least when she turned something on it got wet. The guy was speechless, and I laughed till I had tears.” — Muppet_Cartel
13. Go Get Grandpa
“My son and his newlywed wife were poor college students living out of state. When I went to visit them I took them to the grocery store and let them fill up a couple of grocery carts that I paid for. As we were leaving the store I said, ‘Now, when your kids are poor married college students trying to get by, don’t forget this.’ My new daughter-in-law piped up and said, ‘Oh we won’t forget. We’re going to tell them to go get grandpa!’ Haa haaa haaa…I love that gal.” — JakeInBake
14. Halloween Costume
“When I was working at a bartender one Halloween, I came dressed as an old Western style bartender (complete with mustache and accent). We had the evening split up into a little costume party for kids and families in the earlier hours, and then an adults only costume piss up later on. One of the regulars laughed at my costume and said I looked stupid, so I told him, ‘You should probably come back after the kids have gone because you’ve come dressed as a cunt.’ He didn’t talk to me for weeks after that. It was blissful.” — ScornMuffins
15. Moms and Sons
“My mom screaming at my brother that he’s a son of a b*tch, and him calmly saying back to her ‘yeah, I am.'” — RoshiRosh
16. “Shave Your Vagina, Bill.”
“‘Ladies, I like my vagina shaved.’ ‘Then shave your vagina, Bill.'” — sfyjnkljc
17. Twin Sisters
“My boyfriend was in the grocery store. Our twin daughters were in the shopping cart, maybe five years old. Twins get you a lot of attention from random strangers, especially when they’re little, and it’s a pain in the ass for everyone, including the kids. They don’t always want the attention. Some random lady had stopped and was chatting with the girls. One of the girls is very much a people person, and was happy to chat, but her sister wasn’t up for that, so she wasn’t really participating. This lady got ticked about that and told our introvert kid, ‘Your sister is so much prettier than you are.’ Without missing a beat, my tiny little badass looked that bitch dead in the eyes and said ‘And you’re so much fatter than my sister is, too.’ My boyfriend managed to get the cart on to the next aisle before laughing his ass off.” — braeica
