Kate Hackett
I feel relatively confident in asserting that every single woman reading this has had a creepy guy hit on her, harass her, touch her, or otherwise make her feel completely uncomfortable. It’s just… a thing we all know we’ll have to deal with. We shouldn’t! It should not be! But it is.
Still, wouldn’t it be nice if those creepers figured out … not to creep? Redditor u/rocketbot99 recently asked Reddit users who were creepy dudes what made them realize they were mistaken. Here are some of the best replies.
1. They’re not into you
“I had what I can only call a grand moment of realization. There was a girl who I was acquainted with, and she was obviously, obsessively, and weirdly into me. Being at the state of peak neckbeard that I was, I was desperate for a girlfriend. But for whatever reason, I was not into the idea. I knew her too well, and although she was interested in me, I was NOT interested in her. I spent a long time thinking about whether I should start seeing this girl I wasn’t attracted to. Then it clicked for me: Sometimes people just aren’t into you. That’s OK, and it’s actually a good thing not to have to say yes to a relationship just because someone thinks they’re qualified to date you. That moment changed my perspective so much, and I was able to realize that other people have and deserve their own autonomy.” —u/_The_Cracken_
2. We complain!
“Hearing women complain, and thinking, Oh shit, I’ve done that. It seriously has helped me improve a lot of things.” —u/jmn242
3. A woman stopped it
“My brother used to catcall women ALL THE TIME, until once when I was with him. He was driving, I was the passenger, and he yelled out to a woman in another car about how hot she looked. I turned to him and said, very casually yet matter-of-factly, ‘You know, women hate it when men talk to us like that. It’s not flattering; it’s objectifying and disrespectful.’ He got quiet, his eyes glazed over, and I saw him taking in what I’d just said. It had simply never occurred to him that what he was doing could be seen as anything other than flattering. He never, ever did it again, and I saw him grow into an extremely respectful person over the next couple of years.” —u/Barfignugen
4. Reading these threads!
“Reading threads and comments on the internet changed things for me. Reading complaints was like staring into a mirror, and I was horrified.” —u/Asteroth555
5. Growing up
“Growing self-awareness that I wasn’t the center of the goddamn universe. I went through a chasing-potential-girlfriends-too-hard phase in my earlier adult years, including mistaking simple offers of friendship and work colleague status for actual interest. It wasn’t ‘stalking’ level, but it was probably to the point of being a little unprofessional and uncomfortable for the women involved. That was decades ago, and I’m now with a company that doesn’t tolerate that sort of thing.” —u/the_original_Retro
6. An ex
“When I broke up with my first serious girlfriend, I was totally heartbroken. I called her all the time, cried on the phone. I even threatened suicide. This went on for some time. Eventually, I threatened to kill myself again and went to bed drunk. I woke up to a voicemail from her crying her eyes out, begging me not to do it. I was so ashamed of my behavior. I realized in that message what I’d become. It was absolutely her right, as it was mine, to end a relationship at any time for any reason, without being hounded and traumatized by their ex. I was evil and toxic. I apologized and promised never to do it again.”
7. Listen to women
“A big part for me was just actually listening to women. You see it so much online (and also in real life). Women will share their experiences and stories about creepy/unsafe encounters, and men will argue with them about why it either wasn’t that bad, didn’t happen, or they were over reacting. Dudes, stop doing that. Listen to women, and think about your own behavior. Are you going to convince them that they’re wrong to be uncomfortable being catcalled or harassed? No.” —u/Theshutupguy
8. Being called out
“Being called out, directly and specifically. I had absolutely no idea that there was anything off about my behavior. I thought nobody was picking up on how horny I was. I thought nobody knew. I thought I was smooth. But some specific things I did got called out (touches on the arm, inappropriate topics of conversation, etc.), and I realized: I’d been a total disrespectful creep, and everyone knew it.” —u/Ohigetjokes
9. They’re scared
“When I realized: They aren’t laughing because I’m funny — they’re laughing because they’re scared.” —u/kirixen
10. Six Flags
“I was 18 working at Six Flags. We got a new coworker at the ride I mainly worked at, and I took a liking to her instantly. I tried talking with her constantly and ‘cutely’ blocked her path multiple times. This was all on her first day. The next day, she didn’t show back up. That’s when I realized I’d harassed her; all she wanted to do was just work and get some extra cash, and I added stupid stress to that. I don’t interact with coworkers like that anymore. Even if I think I could have a chance, I leave them alone on that level.” —u/TehPharaoh
11. Being gay doesn’t change it
“I figured out that my being gay didn’t change things. I never made a point to be careful about making women uncomfortable because I always knew I had no sexual intentions toward them, and that they didn’t need to worry about any advances. Of course, that didn’t mean they knew that, or, if they did, it didn’t change the fact that I’m a man, and there are appropriate ways to behave around people.” —u/Esosorum
12. The old adage
“One of the most eye-opening adages that helped me immensely was, ‘Men are afraid women will reject them; women are afraid men will kill them.’ That helped me to change my interactions in a way that was less likely to set off alarm bells in a woman’s mind. Also, I learned to recognize when it’s not clicking and back off immediately, no matter what.” —u/CrushHazard
13. I don’t like it
“One thing I realized was that I don’t like to be approached by random people in public, so why would women want that from me?” —u/musicalmath
14. Posts online
“Reading many, many posts online about how pervasive of a problem it is for women to have men leer at them or subject them to microaggressions. Hearing it all named, and hearing how unsettling it is for people, made me reexamine some of my behavior toward women. Please do keep talking about it; it works! I sometimes hear, ‘How do men not know about this?’ Some don’t, but if it’s constantly being discussed and part of the collective consciousness, they will.” —u/increasinglybold
