To be a step parent is never an easy task. Gaining the trust of not only your new children, but also your spouse and how you take care of their babies can be the equivalent to walking on eggshells. If you’re a step parent and understand these struggles, you may be able to provide some words of advice for a stepmother who recently hopped on Reddit wondering if she had made the wrong choice.
It’s one thing to buy your step kids their favorite snack behind your partners back to gain approval, but what about taking one to get a haircut when they decide they’re transgender at 13 years old? For u/Resident-Step-2917, this is exactly what happened. Below, you can read the whole post in context, and decide if our original poster (OP) made the right choice.
Our concerned OP, the stepmother, asked: “AITA for taking my stepson to get a haircut?”
A few weeks ago my stepson (13M) came out to his father (40M) and I (32F) as transgender. His father has never believed in someone being transgender and was not open to it when his son came out. He always deadnames him and uses she/her pronouns when referring to him and talking to him. I’ve tried to get him to come around even suggesting going to a support group for parents with transgender teens, but he is not ready to change. I’ve told him that this treatment of his son is only going to blowback on him later but he’s convinced “it’s just a phase.”
This is already a very complicated situation. We have Stepmom, who wants to support her stepchild, but feels she’s going against her husband in doing so. Then we have Dad, who is completely against his son wanting to transition. It’s hard to fully support most decisions of a 13 year old. When I was 13, I ran down a hill in a race, fell, and broke my collar bone. Three months later, the day I got cleared by my doctor, I decided to compete in a re-race down the same hill, tripped, and immediately re-broke my collar bone. At 13, we have a lot to learn, but we are also truly beginning to discover more mature parts of ourselves.
The same 13 year-old me who broke her collar bone twice in one year, also confirmed that I was in fact, attracted to other girls. My mother used the same words when I came to her about my thoughts: “It’s just a phase.” Well, 11 years later, I can confidently confirm that it was not. Something as serious as transitioning genders is not something kids just decide to do for fun, especially with the judgement and anxiety it brings forward. In a 13 year old’s world, the support of the people closest to them, like family, is what matters more than anything.
OP goes on to explain…
A couple years ago my husband got primary custody of his son because his mom had a bad trip with drugs, but she’s since been clean since early 2019 and has been fighting for more custody. My stepson asked his mom for the haircut but she’s afraid to take him because my husband will probably document it in the custody case and villainfy the action. Which left my stepson to ask me because we both knew his dad would say no. As a step parent I recognize there are certain boundaries I shouldn’t cross, but I couldn’t look at this child who has been treated so horribly since coming out, and just wants to feel more comfortable in his identity and say no.
“I would rather take him to a professional than him cut his hair himself and come to resent living with us…”
I took him to a barber shop where he got his hair buzzed. He was extremely happy with it and his mom thanked me for taking him. My husband on the other hand was furious and hasn’t said much to me since and has been sleeping on the couch. People from my own family told me that I crossed boundaries and that it wasn’t my place to take him to get a haircut. The way I see it, I would rather take him to a professional than him cut his hair himself and come to resent living with us, and me for never sticking up for him even though I’ve told him he has my support every step of the way of his journey. AITA?
Redditor’s had a lot to say on this loaded situation
One Redditor who went through a transition at a similar age had some words of advice towards the unaccepting father:
The comment section concluded that our OP was “Not the A-hole.” Do you think she took things too far by taking her son to get a haircut? If you do, you need to re-evaluate, and also take some inspiration from this loving mother who did what any good parent should do.