AITA

Bride Asks If She’s Wrong to Be Hurt By Her Fiancé’s Casual, At-Home Marriage Proposal

The ceremonies attached to getting married are supposed to be something meaningful for both people in the relationship, but it’s pretty easy for things to go off the rails. Expectations aren’t always met. That can be out of control—like rain on your wedding day. And sometimes you just mess it up.

A Redditor posting under u/taproposal12 came to r/AmItheA**hole to ask what to do about her fiancé f*cking up something pretty important to her: the proposal. She wrote, “AITA for leaving the room without a word after my fiancé proposed?”

They’re both 26 and have been together three years. They’ve been talking about getting married and have spoken frequently about what kind of proposal they’d want to share. They even discussed who would make it. The OP says she would have been fine proposing, but it was important to her fiancé to be the one to ask. The one thing that was important to her was to have a proposal outdoors, in the mountains to a forest:

I was very happy and excited, not to mention we live between mountains and forests so it was also easily accessible.

We have been discussing this many times, even dropping ideas of which mountain would be the most romantic (we hike together, so we thought the very first mountain we’ve been to for example).

All she really wanted was for the proposal to happen somewhere significant to her outside. Not a tall order, especially when you see some of the elaborate surprise proposals out there. Plus, much cheaper than a dinner out and a bottle of champagne to throw a ring in to. But then this happened:

Yesterday, after I came back home from work exhausted, we cooked, watched tv and at some point I went to the hallway to hang a coat. He followed me and he proposed. Between the shoes on the floor, the kitchen and the restroom, he was kneeling.

I couldn’t believe it. It was such a disappointment knowing what we always talked about. I felt let down, had a lot of thoughts at once in my head.

Here is my probable a**hole move: I was so hurt, I couldn’t say a word. Couldn’t even accept it. I looked at him, looked around me as I couldn’t believe where he proposed, felt the tears in my eyes. I nodded, and walked past him to lay on the bed and cry.

He took some time before following me and asking if anything was wrong. Told him I expected something different but would marry him regardless.

My friends are mixed about it, but a few of them did say I was being ungrateful and that it’s the thought that counts: he wants to marry me after all, and maybe this is the only thing that counts.

The OP wants to know if she did wrong by walking out in her disappointment and surprise. Though overall she was ruled NTA, there were a lot of mixed comments. Some people said their proposals were as basic as the OP’s and they were happy with it. Some seemed to think her expectations were too high. 

The majority of the people, however, understood why the OP was upset. While it might have been rude to walk out on her fiancé he was just as rude for ignoring everything they’d been talking about while knowing her express wishes. Maybe he was nervous and did it impulsively, but it doesn’t matter. It’s not unfair for her to have been upset:

Based on an update, it seems like the OP plans to talk to her fiancé about this more, so she didn’t yet have a reason for why he would throw their discussion out the window. She also clarified that she specifically told him she did not want a proposal at home inside. While she is annoyed y people calling her entitled for wanting more out of her proposal, she still appreciated the feedback.

“I decided to apologize for my behavior because I most probably hurt him,” she wrote. “He’s my partner, I don’t want to hurt him, no matter what.”

In that case, maybe the marriage will make up for the proposal. Though I really hope he surprises her with a redux in the mountains soon.

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Aimeé Lutkin