Man Finds Out Wife Has Secret Savings Account In Case He Gets Abusive, And He Blows Up

Ever heard of a “f—k off fund?”

It means having enough of a nest egg that you can tell whoever is trying to control you financially to “f—k off.” That can mean an employer, but it’s more frequently understood as something people need in relationships.

More specifically, women.

There are a lot of historical reasons why women, who were not considered people separate from their husbands until relatively recently, would need secret money.

Even today, it’s not uncommon for an abuser to use finances to control and hold onto a woman in a relationship so that she can’t leave without imperiling herself in other ways, or her children. Of course, this isn’t exclusive to women, but I’ll say that as a woman I understand it completely.

People are talking about these escape nest eggs right now because of a viral post on r/AmItheA**hole written by u/AITAFinance, who wrote that he discovered his wife of four years had a secret savings account.

He says he went through documents in the house because he thought something was wrong. It was revealed in later comments that he went through the trash, but whatever.

Here’s what he says:

It opened up 4 years ago, and she’s been auto depositing 10% of her income every year. She’s saying it’s a completely healthy thing to do especially for women. She says that she wants to be secured if something happened to me or if I started abusing her.

I find that extremely illogical and that it’s pretty bad that she’s been lying this whole time. She’s been hiding $25k dollars from me. I put my money into our joint account, since we both agreed to merge our finances. She’s now saying that I can also put 10% of my income every year into my own account.

I then threatened to take 40% of my income(4 years times 10%) and put it into a separate account just for me. She’s now saying that’s financial abuse and called me an asshole if I did that. I honestly don’t see what she’s thinking. She put 40% of her income and it’s been accruing interest.

She’s now staying at a friends house. Most of my friends think I’m in the right, but I don’t know at this point. They’re my friends, they’re more likely to agree with me regardless. I think I need to see another POV.

Okay, so his math is technically wrong there.

Ten percent of your income over four years isn’t necessarily 40 percent of your income in total, since taxes, wage fluctuation isn’t being considered.

He also says she makes about 50k a year and he makes 100k a year, so that would be a significant amount of money, far more than her nest egg in just one year. And maybe this is beside the point, and petty, but doesn’t it suck that someone who isn’t exactly a financial wizard is making twice as much money as his wife?

Anyway, the OP was firmly told he is a ginormous a**hole, but it also gave people a chance to talk about financial abuse and why they have felt they needed money like this in relationships, just in case. There were some people who thought the wife should have talked to him about it and not kept it a secret, but apparently, he said she had been in an abusive relationship before. That might have been what made her keep it a secret:

When I got divorced I had no access to our “shared accounts.” I had to have friends and my lawyer help me set up a separate account so I could get out. I later learned I wasn’t being told accurately how much he made. If you are a woman, keep an emergency account. https://t.co/7szrpeFbqr

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) August 17, 2020

The best piece of advice my mother ever gave me: Always have your own bank account and credit cards, and always be upfront about it. You can tell a lot about a partner by how they react when you assert your right to your own accounts. https://t.co/G6NgKuwDZM

— andi zeisler (@andizeisler) August 17, 2020

This is called “fuck off money”. A lot of women are advised to set a bit of their paycheque aside for “fuck off money”, by other women who had finances controlled by their husbands and were unable to leave. (and it seems this woman was in a previous abusive relationship, also) https://t.co/srwmWhR6p3

— Elizabeth May (@_ElizabethMay) August 17, 2020

Op’s reaction is exactly why she has a secret savings. She saw it in him and planned for her protection. I bet she hates that she was right.

— No name recognition (@twunny2) August 17, 2020

So, this post is making my mentions unreadable and will have to mute it shortly, but for clarity:

A) Abuse can be a long process

B) If exit money is known about it can be a source of manipulation

C) Women need to know if it turns bad they can take the first step to get out.

— BD (@briskide) August 17, 2020

mine isn’t even a secret. i have separate funds that my Husband does not have access to. this should be normalized. https://t.co/0BCCHr2HR3

— wet a-word p-word @ HOME FOREVER (@makirollOFC) August 17, 2020

Lots of women also help other women establish escape funds, for good cause. Intimate violence is common in the US, ~20% of couples experience it, if you’re counting physical abuse. Add financial and emotional and it’s a lot higher. It’s the wallpaper of life for too many. https://t.co/VFYGP1W5jZ

— Soraya Chemaly (@schemaly) August 17, 2020

AITA for getting mad at my wife for protecting herself from prospective spousal abuse by threatening to engage in spousal abuse if she doesn’t stop protecting herself from it?

Yes, YTA.

— Staying in the Game (@AdrienneLaw) August 17, 2020

For my grandma, this advice goes back to her experience as a single mother of 5 with no way of getting any sort of assistance from the husband who walked out on her.

— Lish | west indian grandma | 🇨🇦🇬🇾🇹🇹 (@queenlishers) August 17, 2020

After all the comments, there came two edits. This is the first:

Edit: Yeah, we’re probably getting a divorce.

And this is the second:

Edit 2: She texted me with some uncomfortable news. She thinks our relationship can’t work because she feels I’m “abusive”. I’m not going to update anymore.

I’m gonna guess that this confrontation isn’t the only issue in this marriage. I’m glad this woman had the funds to tell this man to f—k off.