For many of us, the idea of dying is pretty scary. Not only are we enamored by the idea of “what happens next,” but we’re also worried if anyone will care that we’re gone. Like, how much do you wonder if people will actually show up to your funeral? No? Just me? Okay then. Well, with all of my constant anxiety of being remembered as a good person and actually having people come to mourn me, I can now rest assured knowing I can always pay some great people out there to stand at my funeral to make it look like I was liked and cared for.
26-year-old writer and journalist Dana Schwartz recently shared a brilliant idea on Twitter saying that for $50, she’ll come to your funeral and stand far away, holding a black umbrella and looking shady—so people will think that you have lived a secret life and died a mystery. Honestly…amazing.
https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/1080888071552266242
She also provided her Venmo account information, you know, in case people actually wanted to cash in and have Schwartz attend their funeral—eventually. She also made some other hefty promises along with her funeral attendance.
https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/1080916579313827840
And, people actually Venmo’d Schwartz with some requests.
https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/1080929549792112640
But, the jokes on those who really paid her—because, she said she’ll show up for sure.
https://twitter.com/DanaSchwartzzz/status/1081045223893983232
But, people on Twitter had a lot of other requests for Schwartz. Like, this guy who wanted a birthday mystery.
I will pay you $50 if you show up on my birthday but stand really far away, holding a bouquet of flowers and gifts 🎁, so that my wife👩🏼 think I am still in the race.
— Milan M (@aslimilan) January 5, 2019
And, these wild detailed requests…
Ill give you $75 if when the casket is going down you walk over and place a small box on top and say only loud enough for a few people to hear "if they only knew"
— Richard (@spursyyank) January 5, 2019
$100 if she smears her eye makeup and leaves a single rose in my casket, drinks from a flask and leaves without saying a word.
— PATRICK HAYES (@HAZE1075) January 5, 2019
How much for the spectral package? Weighted clothes that stay unmoving even in a stiff wind, vanishing abruptly through clever misdirection, heavy makeup to appear definitively dead, vague whispered warnings and/or sobbing softly,clearly audible even after you've disappeared, etc
— [existential dread] (@gm_wggames) January 5, 2019
https://twitter.com/MissCryptid/status/1081797341479194625
Extra $50 if you’re gone two seconds later when people look again.
— 🅺🅴🆅🅸🅽 🅳🅴🅼🆂🅺🆈 (@kevin_demsky) January 6, 2019
Ummmmm…. I'll pay you $50 to do exactly this. Add this on top of slowly playing the music to a jack in the box the entire time my casket is closed and its gonna be one hell of a funeral 💪
— Matt 🏳️🌈🏳️⚧️ (@MattM071) January 5, 2019
For $80 can you also silently dab away tears from behind a pair of large dark sunglasses?
— TrenchCoat4Hire (@TrenchCoat4Hire) January 5, 2019
https://twitter.com/BandanaChris/status/1081592314387034113
https://twitter.com/GrayKnighted/status/1082334597839499264
It’s great to see that everyone on Twitter wants to leave the Earth f*cking with their family and loved ones. I love me some shady folks. Thanks for making me look forward to death, y’all.