Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the funniest tweets from long ago. Either way, these were the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
I have never once opened a refrigerator without a god damned yogurt falling on my foot.
— Elle Oh Hell (@ElleOhHell) May 4, 2016
The old woman began a slow clap. “Bravo for once again not listening to me about the clams.” pic.twitter.com/Ea7GU3ev0C
— batkaren (@batkaren) May 11, 2016
Seagulls always look like they just saw their account balance at the ATM. pic.twitter.com/QiiWfKWAHu
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) May 10, 2016
If only the high school bullies could see me. I feel kinda guilty now for throwing acid in their eyes.
— Jazmasta (@jazmasta) May 10, 2016
Donald Trump saying that Bill Clinton treats women poorly is like Ramsay Bolton saying that Joffrey should’ve been kinder to Sansa.
— Twitnter is Coming (@OhNoSheTwitnt) May 10, 2016
Who else panics when they’re stopped next to a school bus because teens could possibly be in there roasting you
— Shakira (@shakiraaevans) May 10, 2016
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) May 9, 2016
okay but you don’t have to be mean about it pic.twitter.com/DeNZ3VVUJM
— kristen (@kristendrum) May 7, 2016
QB ryan fitzpatrick: i’d rather retire than make a measly $8Mil a year
me: im gonna check under the sink if i dropped any hotdogs down there
— everett byram (@rad_milk) May 6, 2016
“I can’t believe Trump is the nominee” -said the country that kept Fear Factor on the air for five years
— Meth Lab for Cutie (@kiralc) May 6, 2016
Happy Mother’s Day!!! pic.twitter.com/zuWuxm1b7T
— ᴄʜʀɪs (@ChrisScarlette) May 8, 2016
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?
— Marty Lawrence (@TeaAndCopy) November 24, 2015
My date jumps and goes to grab my arm during a scary scene in a movie but I am already clutching the arm of the gentleman next to me
— Poorly Drawn Turtle (@NoTheOtherJohn) May 9, 2016
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
— GoaT FacE (@EndhooS) April 21, 2016
me: can i go to the bathroom
teacher: it’s *may
me: yeah i go pretty much every month
— milty (@themiltron) May 3, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.