The 15 Funniest Tweets We Read This Week

Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.

Google Search:
-Where do I find flying squirrels
-Can I make a flying squirrel
-Squirrel cannon
-Window repair
-Repairing a broken marriage

— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) September 17, 2016

i used to mess with a coworker by waiting til his lunch was done microwaving then beating him to the kitchen and throwing it in the trash

— Tom Bro Dude (@tombrodude) September 29, 2014

It was the best of times, it was the worst-but-still-gets-a-participation-trophy of times

— Terry F (@daemonic3) September 7, 2016

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

— FRO VO (@fro_vo) September 21, 2016

KID IN THE 1800s: I will sweep your chimney if it helps feed my family

KID IN THE 2000s: I’m not eating this apple because it is bruised

— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) September 15, 2016

{hosting a party}
hello welcome refreshments are in the kitchen I will be locked in my bedroom please text me if you need anything at all.

— spacegirl👽incognito (@iamspacegirl) September 10, 2016

Home Improvement Tryouts
Actor 1: arrurugggGH?
Actor 2: arrooooooO?
Tim Allen: aughrrrrUrGH?

Casting Director: [picks up phone] We got him.

— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) September 21, 2016

New York fears ranked
1. Pushed into subway tracks
2. Seamless outage
3. Have to go to Times Square
4. Fav dive bar gentrified
1,563: ISIS

— Bobby Big Wheel (@BobbyBigWheel) September 19, 2016

So today I was lookin at a girl bcuz she had a piece of lettuce in her hair & she looks at me and said “I have a boyfriend” ok lettuce head

— Benton C. Olson (@Bentono10) September 14, 2016

1. Cant believe its not butter
2. Mad its not butter
3. What can I do to make it butter
4. Sad its not butter
5. I accept it is not butter

— vints (@snow_van) September 19, 2016

So baby pull me closer like the kid in your enclosure pic.twitter.com/W94jtHFGzs

— Harambe (@HarambeActivity) September 15, 2016

Hell hath no fury like a woman who you woke up from a nap at the time she asked you to wake her up

— Josh (@iwearaonesie) September 17, 2016

i’m a frickin sheep whisperer all i said was “please stop for a pic” & he even gave me different angles to work with pic.twitter.com/ioL47rdCDG

— ❁ amanda ❁ (@AmandaGxx) September 16, 2016

Turns out, the guy who invented CPR just liked kissing strangers then punching them in the chest.

— JB4Realz (@JB4Realz) September 15, 2016

I feel like the Sprint guy gets drunk and checks Verizon’s Instagram.

— Vanessa Ramos (@thatRamosgirl) September 15, 2016

More Pics & Memes You May Or May Not Enjoy:

And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.