Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 6, 2018
Can’t sleep. I’m so angry about those guys in movies who knock over fruit stands during car chases
— Viktor Winetrout (@Cpin42) May 4, 2018
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
— Amy Dillon (@amydillon) May 7, 2018
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) May 5, 2018
Can we all admit that spouses are just emotional support humans?
— batkaren (@batkaren) March 23, 2018
Date: *looking into my eyes, whispering* I wish time moved slower
Me: *loudly whispering back* Try watching a sex scene with your parents
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) May 1, 2018
hey, do you wanna sign my yearbook? just don’t write anything about- okay you’re already doing it, yeah I did crap myself pretty bad haha…
— Radrosaur (@CopernicusG) May 9, 2018
me: want to go out
robot crush: indeed[later]
m: want to go back to my place
robot date: indeed[years later]
m: want to get married
robot bf: indeed[50 years later]
m:[dying breath] i love you man
robot husband: I Love You Man is a 2009 film starring Paul Rudd & Jason Segel— penjamin. (@upsidedowntrash) January 4, 2018
7 AM: Heats water for coffee
7:01: Takes eggs out of the fridge
7:02: Cracks egg into coffee cup
7:03: Puts French Press in the fridge
7:06: Pours boiling water into coffee cup, adds almond milk.
7:07-7:32 AM: Sips drink10:15 PM: Wait a minute
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) May 7, 2018
*voluntarily spends hours on the internet daily* neato
*friend sends 5-min video to watch* do i look like im made of free time or something
— garth purkett (@garbagecoven) March 11, 2016
Hello men- it’s shorts weather now so remember the old rhyme:
At or above the knee,
That’s what we like to see,
Longer than the knee
A juggalo ye be— Cathy Humes (@CrappyFumes) May 8, 2018
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 9, 2018
my friend: i just can’t find the time to work out
me: (worked out once in January) you have to make time for you it’s so important to take care of your body and take it from me you’ll feel so good when you do— kim 🖤 (@KimmyMonte) May 7, 2018
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
— Todd ‘Papi’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) May 9, 2018
FRIEND: Hey, it’s been too long!
ME: it has!
FRIEND: We should catch up!
Me: definitely!
FRIEND: Awesome, when do you want to do it?
ME: soon, for sure!
FRIEND: How about next Friday?
ME: ok please stop
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) May 5, 2018
If you need more, you can always dive into last week’s hilarious tweets.
