Pleated-Jeans
11.
I don’t like it when Godzilla fights the other monsters. I’d rather see them settle their differences on the dance floor.
— Mary Gillis (@living_marble) January 26, 2020
12.
Me: thank-you for allowing me to be vulnerable and honest without judgment
Waitress: you’re welcome but I do have to charge you for a whole pitcher of honey mustard
— Kerry on Wayward Son (@EmissaryKerry) January 30, 2020
13.
Sleeping under separate blankets should have been the marriage advice everybody gave me a year and a half ago.
— Ashley C. Ford (@iSmashFizzle) January 27, 2020
14.
Today is a day of great power… use it wisely pic.twitter.com/UoFRIkzuYY
— mouce (@maidotsuki) January 30, 2020
15.
Once upon a time, this guy id been flirting with came over to watch Shrek 2 with his arm around me until 5 AM and then just promptly left, leaving me more bamboozled than any other man ever has. This is what I now call “getting Shrek 2ed”, my contribution to the English language
— ꧁ rissa.txt ꧂ (@rissamindi) January 25, 2020
16.
I know I’m not ready to be a parent bc I’d be at that school the next day like “Yal deadass finna come up off my baby Perfect Attendance Pencil NEEOOOWW!!” pic.twitter.com/ezTc0fq1Ug
— Dreka Gates (@_FemGod) January 31, 2020
17.
Fellas is it gay to be male? You’re literally inside a man
— j̴̢͘҉i̸̢͞z̛̛̀҉͞z̡͞w̶̵̢͜͞i̡͘t̸͝͝c̸͝h̀͏ (@fingerbIaster) January 30, 2020
18.
Did Jesus have a burner bible where he put scripture drafts? Like “water before wine, you’ll be fine.”
— sarah schauer (@SJSchauer) January 30, 2020
19.
My new hobby is looking at houses I can’t afford on Zillow. That’s my porn now. Kids, enjoy your 20s.
— Ashley Nicole Black (@ashleyn1cole) January 28, 2020
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