Pleated-Jeans
11.
I fucking swear to God, if anybody else has beat me to the fucking caption “He’s a little pumpkin!” or even any SLIGHT fucking variation on it on this friend from high school‘s Instagram of their baby in a pumpkin patch, I will fucking break shit
— Mara Wilson (@MaraWilson) October 6, 2019
12.
Sometimes you can smell the breakup from the thirst trap
— Wanjiko Whats Good (@WanjikoIAm) October 10, 2019
13.
My husband and I would like to pitch an offshoot from the British Baking Show, called “We’ll Eat That.”
— Maria Bamford (@mariabamfoo) October 8, 2019
14.
Returned a library book as Elizabeth Warren today pic.twitter.com/URexv2UTMm
— Molly Erdman (@erdmanmolly) October 10, 2019
15.
Putting on and taking off a sports bra counts as exercise. Don’t @ me
— Imani Gandy Corn 🎃 (@AngryBlackLady) October 9, 2019
16.
https://twitter.com/taylor_ortega/status/1181565649342078979
17.
Snoopy's cousin Spike, aka Johny Depp. pic.twitter.com/seBPythe5s
— Eliza Skinner (@elizaskinner) October 11, 2019
18.
When one door closes, another one opens. And then closes. And then opens. It’s the fridge. It’s me in front of the fridge.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 6, 2019
19.
Between 3 and 5 AM my daughter poured ice water on my pillow and then screamed at me for not knowing the plot of the movie Abominable. Not sure when she joined a frat.
— olivia wilde (@oliviawilde) October 9, 2019
20.
All I want for my birthday is my husband to take me to a remote tropical island where we can lie on the beach for 2 days completely uninterrupted
…and then on the third day a mysterious heiress is murdered in the lobby and oh no all the guests are suspects and we must solve it
— Lucy Huber (@clhubes) October 9, 2019
21.
https://twitter.com/geekylonglegs/status/1181983451806932992
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