Twitter has plenty of hilarious female comedians and each and every week we bring you the cream of the crop from those women. Now sit back and enjoy scrolling through the funniest tweets from women this week. You’ve earned a laugh.
1.
I’m only gonna say this once but Jake Gyllenhaal looks so much like the lion from Madagascar pic.twitter.com/AGhZKAIFPD
— Lucinda (@ellkay_) July 4, 2019
2.
Yes I got a vibrator stuck inside myself this morning. Working From Home doesn’t prevent Workplace Injuries.
— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) July 3, 2019
3.
give us what we want pic.twitter.com/iyiVKij4cB
— Rachel Borat Kaly (@rachel_kaly) July 4, 2019
4.
i was asked to tweet this pic.twitter.com/GZD5qxk8xl
— jewels jules juelz (@wtfjulz) July 2, 2019
5.
"yo they lookin for u outside, i bit a kid." pic.twitter.com/g3BKz2eHvp
— pau (@iicywifey) June 30, 2019
6.
toilet ghosted = when the automatic flush goes off when you're using the toilet (multiple times)
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) July 3, 2019
7.
July 4th is the met gala for Old Navy families
— the stolen capitol *lectern. (@smurphnoff) July 4, 2019
8.
I don’t care who they cast as Ariel in the new Little Mermaid as long as the priest officiating the wedding still has a boner
— Jess Dweck (@TheDweck) July 4, 2019
9.
https://twitter.com/Aamirah_salie/status/1146002370377265154
10.
I’ll never understand why flights are allowed to change price all the time. was europe closer last week? are you bidding for jet fuel on ebay? fuck you
— Sarah Lazarus (@sarahclazarus) July 2, 2019
11.
them: you’ll sleep when you’re dead
me when I’m dead: ahhhh my mind keeps racing does anyone have melatonin
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) July 2, 2019
12.
when will you people listen pic.twitter.com/H8s5BEORqq
— sarah maria griff (@griffski) July 1, 2019
13.
Men are out here being dirty rotten pigs with unlotioned skin meanwhile every woman I’ve ever met is a beautiful doctor
— Alyssa Stonoha (@astonoha) July 2, 2019
14.
https://twitter.com/AbbyHasIssues/status/1172298108463484928
15.
I would bring my bf to this party but i don’t know how good he is off leash
— Kerryn Feehan (@KFreehams) July 3, 2019
16.
LA earthquake was downgraded to a 6.4 but let's be honest, it would probably be a 10 anywhere else
— Eliza Bayne (@ElizaBayne) July 4, 2019
17.
Please don’t mention Flossie’s paw. She’s really self conscious about it. pic.twitter.com/NsMqliGbGt
— Jayne Sharp (@Jaynesharp) July 1, 2019
18.
[having tea with the queen]
me: *elegantly lifting my pinky up as i drink* yes or no has prince phillip ever called it Fuckingham Palace
— ⚡️Carly Danger⚡️ (@carlyken) July 5, 2019
19.
sultry whisper voice: “Get help right away if you experience swelling in the face, mouth or tongue.”
— Karen Kilgariff (@KarenKilgariff) July 5, 2019
20.
Sorry, what pic.twitter.com/e9uxUkB5oY
— Marnie Shure (@marnieshure) July 5, 2019
21.
Sorry I missed your bbq, I was busy trying to get the throw blanket on my bed to look juuuuuuust casually tossed on there enough.
— Alison Leiby (@AlisonLeiby) July 3, 2019
22.
My dog hunts flies the same way middle aged men play the guitar — she’s not great at it but it’s something to do and something she enjoys
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) July 1, 2019