Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes— FROVO (@fro_vo) April 11, 2018
Couple is sitting next to each other on the subway and the woman is talking the man’s ear off about her roommate when the man goes, “Katie, if you don’t mind, I’m going to go into my head for a bit,” and now I have my response to every convo I want out of forevermore
— Corinne Sullivan (@corinnzo) April 8, 2018
An exciting thing about kids is that they’ll wake up screaming at 2 am, and you won’t know if they’re dying or if their “mouth feels spicy.”
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) July 28, 2016
Where do babies come from?
Well son, when a man knows how to work Stair 1, he’s allowed to get roof access… pic.twitter.com/7N40L5peAt
— i liv. (@liv_thatsme) April 10, 2018
you, dumb as shit: if I drink bleach it’ll kill me
me, a brain like none other: if i drink bleach, my pee will clean the toilet for me
— Kal (@captainkalvis) April 8, 2018
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
— KruseKontrol (@RCKruseKontrol) April 11, 2018
[alternate universe where the titanic never sank]
WEALTHY GENTLEMAN: why is there jizz all over the backseat of my car
— Jill la Jill (@JillianKarger) April 10, 2018
I miss very few things about being young, but the ability to sneeze without injuring myself is a big one.
— Myrrh (@ixix82) April 9, 2018
welcome to america, your car has better insurance than you do
— Grant Tanaka (@GrantTanaka) April 9, 2018
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
— SpacedMom (@copymama) April 10, 2018
Sure, I know there’s a dictionary in my phone, but I prefer frantically paging through a genuine 2 lb. Merriam-Webster like I’m desperate to reverse a spell.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 11, 2018
[last day as head juror]
judge: how do you find the defendant
me: guilty
judge: and the full sentence?
me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty
— viking (feat. pitbull) (@NOTVIKING) April 9, 2018
me: [trying to impress date] i have a PHD… a pretty huge d-
her: Don’t say it, im leaving
[later]
me: *feeding my enormous dolphin* sorry buddy, i guess she doesn’t like dolphins
— cory (@_coryrichardson) April 5, 2018
Alexis, why am I so bad with names?
— Jordan Stratton (@jordan_stratton) February 16, 2018
A hype man but he just says stuff like “ugh!” and “god it’s the worst!” while you complain about work
— surf ghost (@moutheaters) March 28, 2018
Oh, and be sure to check out these very funny tweets from last week.
