Masha
11.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos— Grant Tanaka: Honky (@GrantTanaka) March 16, 2015
12.
Marriage is mostly about knowing which hand towels you can use and which ones are for the better people who visit your wife’s home.
— Troy Johnson (@_troyjohnson) May 28, 2015
13.
I told my wife that my shoulder hurt too bad after lifting weights to run the vacuum so I learned how to vacuum lefthanded today.
— Stephen_With_A_Ph (@with_a_ph23) May 23, 2018
14.
I don't understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
— Kent Graham (@KentWGraham) September 21, 2014
15.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, "DON'T YOU DIE ON ME!" People always clap when she wakes up.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) August 18, 2015
16.
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
17.
My wife is frantically cleaning the house because we’re having a bunch of ten year olds over for a party, if you want to know the definition of a waste of time.
— FᎪᎢ ᏩᎪNᎠᎪᏞF (@sofarrsogud) August 26, 2018
18.
19.
If my wife wants to argue, we’re going to argue – doesn’t matter if I’ve already agreed with her – we have to argue until she says everything she planned to say.
— Robert Knop (@FatherWithTwins) August 17, 2018
20.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 22, 2018
21.
22.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
— NewDadNotes (@NewDadNotes) August 22, 2018
23.
https://twitter.com/Glennot73/status/1012655754757591040
