Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh— Andy Ryan (@ItsAndyRyan) September 11, 2018
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
— the pan-midwesterner (@panmidwest) September 12, 2018
Should I make dinner or should I see who in this family has the strongest survival skills
— Ash (an female) (@adult_mom) August 10, 2018
I fucking love toast, what absolute genius took a bite of bread and was like “cook it again”, unreal
— Josh (@LoserCrew) September 10, 2018
*baby screaming*
Me: CAN YOU BE MORE SPECIFIC— lil Han (@hwelchaaa) September 6, 2018
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk— Fish Bowel (@fishbowel) September 9, 2018
diana ross i’m comin out voice: i’m stayin in🎵
— ceeks (@70Ceeks) September 8, 2018
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
— ‘ti Reynard (@tiReynard) September 6, 2018
Fun fact: Ever wondered why it’s called The Iliad? Because Ilium was another name for Troy, and the -ad suffix was used to mean “The Story of.” This means that, if you translated the title, The Iliad should actually
be called
Troy Story.
— Harry Tuffs (@skelicopter) September 9, 2018
Godfather: I want you to make him an offer he can’t refuse
me: got it
[later]
me: you get 200 channels plus HBO for just $19.99 a month and no contract
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) September 6, 2018
air conditioning > sex
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) September 11, 2018
If you’re telekinetic and you know it, clap my hands.
— Crazytown L.L.C. (@ScottLinnen) September 9, 2018
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules— Kyle 🌿 (@KylePlantEmoji) May 18, 2018
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
— beth, an alien™ (@bourgeoisalien) September 7, 2017
guy i was sitting next to at the childish gambino concert took out his phone in the middle of the set and i swear to god he googled “donald glover”, zoomed in on his wikipedia photo, then googled “is childish gambino donald glover”
— jonny sun (@jonnysun) September 11, 2018
Don’t forget to check out the top tweets from last week.
