Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
“can’t wait for halloween” says sarah who dresses up as a cat every year
— James (@CaucasianJames) September 4, 2018
Listen, I don’t know about you. But all I see is a Teddy Bear with huge knockers. pic.twitter.com/HC1LxfXfCO
— Natalie Morales (@nataliemorales) September 4, 2018
I just asked one of my friends for advice and she had the absolute AUDACITY to hit me with a “well it’s just like you told me a few months ago…”
Girl that was for you, I’m not listening to my own bullshit smh
— A Literal Homosexual (@kyry5) August 30, 2018
Detective: Never outline yourselves with chalk, kids. You would not believe how many people I’ve seen who died from that.
— Steve vs Ninjas (@stevevsninjas) September 4, 2018
Correct: Using turn signals and passing on the left.
Uncorrect: Whispering “ghost car” and trying to pass directly through other motorists.
— Johnny Normality (@Probgoblin) September 5, 2018
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
— Just Gwen (@msgwenl) September 3, 2018
press 1 for English, press 2 for Old English, press 3 for Modern English’s I Melt With You
— Born Miserable (@bornmiserable) August 29, 2018
therapist: what’s the problem?
me: my wife is a carrot and ever since she came out of the ground we’ve been having-
therapist: whoa hold on, go back
therapist: you’re married?
— John Darby (@mrjohndarby) August 29, 2018
Sometimes I think I need to spend more time with my son and then he talks for 20 minutes about a youtuber.
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) September 4, 2018
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
— Dropped Standards (@rebrafsim) May 3, 2018
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
— the angry birds drink pee in the movie (@punished_picnic) September 5, 2018
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight
[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 5, 2018
waiter: this is just a plate scribbled on with a Sharpie
chef: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
— Pru (@prufrockluvsong) September 5, 2018
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
— obi (@obijawn) August 31, 2018
dentist 1: so crest toothpaste is good for your teeth, let’s all put it to a vote
dentist 2: agreed
dentist 3: agreed
dentist 4: agreed
dentist 5: [screams, tries to flip table, stomps off]
dentist 1: ok dennis does not agree
— Elvish Presley (@_ElvishPresley_) August 30, 2018
Wait. Don’t Go. Not ’til you’ve seen last week’s funniest tweets.