Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of hilarious tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
— EJ Gomez (@EJGomez) September 6, 2016
*sees Cheeto dust on shirt*
*tries to wipe it off*
*leaves more Cheeto dust on shirt*— Josh (@iwearaonesie) August 21, 2016
wow i never knew this pic.twitter.com/4JyWLVnvKG
— rudy mustang (@roostermustache) September 7, 2016
[Chaperoning field trip]
ME BEFORE WE GO: Only rule is don’t lose any kids.
AFTER I LOSE A KID: New rule. You’re allowed to lose one kid.
— Pin Up Teacher (@pinupteacher) September 4, 2016
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
— Corky Kneivel (@CorkyKneivel) August 15, 2016
Come on kids, get in the car. We’re gonna go have an OK time pic.twitter.com/8aCPhaP8EN
— Sage Boggs (@sageboggs) September 5, 2016
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What— Jon (@ArfMeasures) September 2, 2016
Freud “please pass the penis… I mean salt!”
Freud’s wife *raises eyebrow*
Freud *invents psychoanalysis as an excuse*— Wilde Thingy (@WildeThingy) September 1, 2016
My playlist for when I stand on mountains pic.twitter.com/MwhuztI53W
— Nate Chartier (@natechartier1) September 6, 2016
[mattress shopping]
ME: Let’s just say this bad boy will get a lot of work.
[cuts to me wearing the mattress like a turtle shell]— Ricky Rough Guy (@Tommytoughstuff) September 1, 2016
CO-WORKER: give me $3 to eat this old grape?
ME: sure
WIKIPEDIA: give me $3 to continue to provide you essential knowledge?
ME: get fucked— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) August 31, 2016
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
— Matt McElaney (@MattMcElaney) September 2, 2016
ME: I JUST WENT TO THAT NEW SALON WHERE THEY CUT YOUR HAIR OFF BY SHOOTING IT WITH A GUN
FRIEND: oh cool how was it
ME: WHAT— local badboy, (@hippieswordfish) May 20, 2016
God: Is that horse wearing pyjamas?
Angel: He woke up late, boss
God: Tell the lazy shit he’s going right to the back of the dictionary— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) August 26, 2016
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes— Line Art Lionheart (@notalogin) August 11, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.
