Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?— The Stranger Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 27, 2018
90s kids will remember their parents falsely accusing them of having potential.
— Olly iConic (@Chumpstring) January 29, 2018
Me in my 20’s: I should really try to travel the world more.
Me in my 30’s: I should really try to leave the house more.
— bananafanafofisa (@lisaxy424) January 28, 2018
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
— Eric Schmeric (@HepatitisAtoZ) January 26, 2018
EVERY PERSON IN LINE IN FRONT OF ME:
“I’m not ready to order. What do you make here? I’ve never done this before. I think I’ll stare at the menu board for a while. Is that all you have? What foods taste good? Would I like that? Is this organic? Can I pay in pennies?”
— Jake Vig (@Jake_Vig) January 25, 2018
When you’re startled by a creepy sound in the middle of the night but your spouse tells you it’s nothing and to just go back to sleep pic.twitter.com/0WEC6LvxBs
— Jordan Stratton (@jordan_stratton) November 21, 2016
Scooby Doo looking ass goat pic.twitter.com/A8GSoWq3K1
— pat tobin (@tastefactory) January 28, 2018
[someone compliments me]
Me: thanks
Brain: act weird around them and ruin everything
Me: please don’t
Brain: lol yes— meh (@bonehugsnirony) August 25, 2017
Salesman: What’s your sleep number?
Me: I don’t know, maybe 20 guys. The 80s are still a blur.— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) January 27, 2018
Just my luck, 250 million year old salt and it expires next year. pic.twitter.com/XjK9L51x8D
— Stone Cold (@stonecold2050) January 27, 2018
“OMG! Would you stop blinking so loud?!?!”
-marriage
— AmishPornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) January 29, 2018
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) January 23, 2018
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
— Parasite Hilton (@ParasiteHilton) May 19, 2017
I don’t know why I’m anxious. I just constantly stare at a device that beams nightmares into my eyes.
— Brandon (@UNDEADTRESOR) June 12, 2016
The dinosaurs had probably had enough anyway
— swimming tablets (@Lalnation) January 28, 2018
Wait up…Don’t you want to see the top tweets from last week?
