Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some top tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the best tweets we saw this week.
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
— Ygrene (@Ygrene) January 9, 2017
I have fixed maths pic.twitter.com/ApABnoHIrC
— Dylan (@dyldonot) January 7, 2017
Arnold Schwarzenegger, the former governor of California, is subtweeting President-elect Donald Trump. Explain that sentence to 1985.
— erin mccann (@mccanner) January 6, 2017
MY DENTIST ASKED HIS ASSISTANT TO SUCTION (THE WATER OUT OF MY MOUTH)BUT I THOUGHT HE WAS TALKING TO ME SO I SUCKED HIS FINGER. IM MORTIFIED
— Sarah Lyons (@sarbeaaaar) January 3, 2017
*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
— Erren (@ErrenMichaels) January 5, 2017
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) January 4, 2017
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) January 9, 2016
DON’T TELL ME HOW TO RAISE MY SON pic.twitter.com/FVufoXLRe0
— Brian Doyle (@WritePlay) January 7, 2017
If you’re going to play Mad Libs go hard or go home. pic.twitter.com/83JsTt70sb
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) January 2, 2017
One of the hardest parts of teaching your kids to be independent is watching them tie their shoes for 8 minutes.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 4, 2017
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) January 4, 2017
— CNN (@CNN) January 3, 2017
*Me watching porn*
That outfit is not office appropriate. Good, the boss called her in. She’s gonna get fir- Oh, they went another way.
— MehGyver (@AndrewNadeau0) August 1, 2016
Parents: watch out for these codes in your kids texts
ILBA=i love ben affleck
WWBM=wanna watch bee movie
RWMD=respect women my dude
— rudy mustang (@roostermustache) January 9, 2017
TACO BELL DRIVE THRU: Hi, welcome to Taco Bell.
ME: Thanks, can I have-
TACO BELL DRIVE THRU: How are you today?
ME: Why are you doing this.
— Batman Off Duty (@BatmanOffDuty) January 7, 2017
And if you need even more, you can always check out the last batch of funniest tweets.