Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the top tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men— Jebby (@Jennuflect) September 18, 2015
friend: can i ask for ur advice on something
me (have never made a decision that didn’t fuck me over for months afterward): yes absolutely
— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) October 17, 2017
Baby, if I created the alphabet, I’d put U and I together. Also, J, C, and E. That way, it would spell the word JUICE. Juice is my favorite.
— Max Dylan Ash (@mynameisntdave) October 17, 2017
I sexually identify as a microwave dinner because I’m ready in 5 minutes but don’t look anything like my photos.
— The Ether Bunny (@xLiserx) October 7, 2017
Michelangelo had NO reason to give God a thick juicy ass, but he did. He did that for all of us. pic.twitter.com/JIa1gOdF4s
— Ԁ. (@soulful_son) October 16, 2017
When I see someone tweet about drinking at 8am I assume they live across the globe but secretly hope they’re just a mess and my neighbor
— Asia (@AsiaDNYC) October 7, 2017
Welcome to hell. Your neighbor has wind chimes that are the exact same notes as your alarm tone.
— Tinker Elle (@elle91) October 18, 2017
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?— The Pale Space Rider (@truegritrumble) October 7, 2017
Twitter is cool cuz someone who works at a bank will tweet amazing jokes and the funniest comedian you know will tweet “today I had an egg”
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 15, 2017
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
— Bryan (@CopBroughtPizza) November 13, 2014
this meme transcends language pic.twitter.com/z1BysrHIJ0
— ねこ (@hyunasptg) October 17, 2017
A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.
— Lynn Molly (@HeyLynnMolly) September 28, 2017
i havent paid for a cup of water in years, anytime i get thristy i just run a marathon. free cups of water bitches
— Karate (@Karate_Horse) October 6, 2017
Jesus looks like he is calling for the ball in the post so he can dunk away your sins pic.twitter.com/spAcx4qZOs
— Tim (@Playing_Dad) March 11, 2017
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
— Todd ‘Spooki’ Carlos (@TheToddWilliams) August 10, 2017
If you need even more, you can check out the funniest tweets from last week.
