Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite very funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the top tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
— The Hype (@TheHyyyype) May 30, 2018
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) May 26, 2018
Watching The Incredibles at age 11: damn Mrs. Incredible is thick
Watching The Incredibles at age 25: damn Mrs. Incredible is thick. Also I have depression now
— lil arab (@maybetomhanks) May 27, 2018
And in that fateful moment, I became exactly what I hated—the type of person who says “no worries” when, in fact, there are a multiplicity of worries.
— jean-paul blartre (@pajamawitch) May 29, 2018
[rap battle]
*drops the mic*
*scrambles around trying to pick up the mic*
[20min earlier]
*other guy covering my mic in butter*
— the banana situation (moderately nefarious) (@trojansauce) March 21, 2015
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
— Kylie Needham (@kylieneedham57) May 29, 2018
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
— Bea_ker (@bea_ker) May 23, 2018
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
— your bff alex (@psybermonkey) May 23, 2018
*ritz cracker hits your forehead*
if my mom would’ve let me buy throwing stars you’d be dead now— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 30, 2018
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
— denise (@Stellacopter) May 26, 2018
if i was really “depressed” would i be able to do this?????
*moves from my bed to the bath an hour and a half after i say i’m going to*
— dirt prince (@pants_leg) May 29, 2018
At some point in my life, drinking a cup of coffee after 4pm became the equivalent of doing an eight ball.
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) May 25, 2018
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole— schmox (@IvoryGazelle) April 4, 2018
dentist: this is going to make you feel a little numb ok?
me: ok
dentist: [leans in] everyone you love is going to die
— paperwash© (@PaperWash) May 30, 2018
The airport is a lawless place. 7am? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the floor. Hungry? Chips now cost $17
— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) May 23, 2018
Fine. Go! But before you do, will you please just have a look at last week’s funniest tweets?
