Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find. And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds. Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some very funny tweets from long ago. Either way, these were 15 of the funniest tweets we saw this week.
ME:*lighting candles for romantic dinner*
DATE: this is lovely babe
ME:*whispering* die you fucking candles— Shark (@AbrasiveGhost) June 1, 2016
I can’t say no to homeless people because a part of me feels like I’m one wrong turn away from sitting next to them
— Mindy Furano (@MindyFurano) May 31, 2016
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.— Ray (@SirEviscerate) May 15, 2016
me (after answering another wrong question on jeopardy): i’m just happy to be here
trebek: stop fucking saying that— forsooth, it’s keith (@ghostkrogh) May 27, 2016
hey gang just popping in 4 a sec! big trip planned to the cincinnatti zoo tomorrow to see my favorite animal, the alive gorilla. can’t wait!
— your friend michael (@dogboner) May 30, 2016
a naked girl can get a thousand retweets, but how many can our troops get? pic.twitter.com/MNoWJCwtoO
— alli (@vvexedd) May 29, 2016
[leading childrens summer camp]
Me: if ur happy and u know it clap ur hands
*the kids clap while i stare at them blankly, arms crossed*
— Super Rooster (@RoosterMustache) June 1, 2016
[NBA refs huddle together] we gotta make something up, i accidentally coughed into my whistle
— Cat Damon (@CornOnTheGoblin) June 1, 2016
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut— Hippo (@InternetHippo) June 1, 2016
[getting owned by a group of teens]
ME: listen dudes, you should respect your elders
TEEN: suck my dick
ME: i won’t. i will not do that— lil jon lovitz (@nbadag) May 29, 2016
The Karate Kid (1984)
-A bullied teen forms a relationship with an elderly Japanese man who tricks him into doing his household chores— Steve Suckington (@SteveSuckington) May 31, 2016
friend: lol you could just call a guy named Richard ‘Dick’ and he wouldn’t know if it’s an insult
[later]
me: hey richard, you fucking dick.— spacegirl incognito (@iamspacegirl) May 27, 2016
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
— It’s Abby. Yep. (@abbycohenwl) May 17, 2016
ME: i hate speaking in front of crowds
BOSS: just imagine they’re naked[later, on stage]
ME: …any questions? Yes, you with the weird dick
— Blind Chow (@BlindChow) May 20, 2016
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm— Br&on the Cow (@Brampersandon_) June 1, 2016
And if you need even more, you can always check out last week’s funniest tweets.
