Max
Every week, it is our duty to spend obscene amounts of time scouring Twitter for the funniest shit we can find.
And every week we narrow it down to our 15 favorite funny tweets that popped up in our feeds.
Now, they might be from this week or they may have been retweets of some of the best tweets from long ago.
Either way, please enjoy this collection of the 15 funniest tweets we saw this week.
[banging on door] Help! My son is being held hostage! They’re demanding 738 plastic grocery bags or–
Me: *grabbing my bag of bags* so who’s the hero now, Jen
— Dropped Mike (@rebrafsim) November 13, 2017
the reason why printer ink is so expensive is because thousands of scientists are needed to milk the tiny octopus titties
— wylde de beest (@flashember) November 13, 2017
Me: One of you… is the murderer
Everyone: *starts sweating*
Me: (unable to tell who’s guilty) a sauna was a bad place to hold this meeting
— Pigeon Fancier (@isabelzawtun) October 24, 2017
stop naming your babies James. name him Jame. he is one Jame.
— kelly johnson from wisconsin (@ohheyohhihello) November 13, 2017
the h in ghost is silent bc it’s trying to scare you
— Kim Monte (@KimmyMonte) November 13, 2017
[walking outside]
Me: my ears are cold
Wife: they’re like…
[Simultaneously]
Wife: earcicles
Me: ice ears— Ally Gator (@notacroc) November 14, 2017
Just dusted my house by blowing on shit.
— de-nice? is de-nice here? do u mean denise? muthaf (@Stellacopter) November 13, 2017
[kissing]
Wife: *breathy whisper* Do you want to take my shirt off?
Me: *breathy whisper* I’m not wearing your shirt
— Bomedic Cust (@Mr_Kapowski) April 10, 2017
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
— pony starwars (@tigersgoroooar) November 13, 2017
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*— Ygrene (@Ygrene) November 1, 2017
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
— Alien Skier (@ClichedOut) November 1, 2017
Alvin “AND” The Chipmunks? Motherfucker, you’re a chipmunk too!
— Noah Garfinkel (@NoahGarfinkel) November 10, 2017
one thing that always helps me feel better is hands
— warm yellow gourdlover (@warmyellowlight) February 8, 2016
COP: Your kid isnt safe in the front seat. Put him in the back
ME: But officer
COP: DO IT
ME: Fine
KID: *gets mauled by the bear in the backseat*
COP: Ok thats my bad— Brandon the Cow (@Brampersandon_) November 8, 2017
Me:*takes long drag on cigarette* I broke her heart
Chief of Surgery: That’s why you’re being fired— Sharky (@foodfacenow) November 9, 2017
If you desperately want more, you can check out the best tweets of last week.
