Lex
Growing up, we always look up to our parents for wisdom, values, and life lessons. In reality, they are the “smartest” people we know because we’re young and honestly, we haven’t been exposed to the entire world just yet. But, as we get older and we go to school, learn more, and meet new people, some of us realize our parents are not the sharpest tools in the shed. As much as we’d hate to admit it, our parents can be pretty stupid. And, if you don’t believe me, take a look back at some of those “family stories” you can’t help but tell over and over again at family events. Or, ask these wonderful people on Reddit that somehow made it out alive.
1.
Finally a story I can tell. Every Friday my mother goes grocery shopping. It’s a block away and she usually drives there. On this particular day after she finished shopping she decides to walk back.
The next morning she wakes me and my father up to let us know her car was stolen. Cops come, we fill out paperwork and in the meanwhile she gets a rental car.
That’s not even the best part. The following Friday she drives again to the grocery market and parks right next to her “stolen” car which is a champagne colored Mitsubishi Diamante(not such a common car/color). She comments how similar the car looks like hers but makes nothing of it.
A few days later the cops call us to let us know the car is in the grocery store’s parking lot 1 block away.
2.
I asked my mom for Super Mario All Stars on the Super Nintendo for my 8th or 9th birthday. She had no idea what I was talking about, so I explained what the game was. For those who may not know, it had all the original NES Mario games, Super Mario World, and one other Mario game that I think was previously unreleased. The SNES was still new, so games were expensive, but that was literally all I had asked for so I was fairly confident.
A couple of weeks went by and I didn’t think really think much about it. On my birthday, I came home from school to a big wrapped box, much bigger than the game. I tore into it and opened up the box to find an old Nintendo. Next to it were cartridges for the first 3 Mario games. I was so confused.
Mom: “It’s exactly what you wanted!”
Me: “…it is?”
Mom: “Yes! I took your Super Nintendo and to the swap meet and traded it in for the games that you wanted!”
It’s been over 20 years and she hasn’t gotten any better.
–wskv
3.
When I was in 4th grade, my mother insisted helping with my homework for some reason. I was always a smart kid. I never needed help but she forced me to let her help. She proceeded to redo my math and spelling homework and I failed both assignments. I told her those answers were wrong and she fought me on it.
When I got to school I cried and told the teacher my mom made me put wrong answers and I told her I knew the right ones but my mom forced me to let her help.
The teacher laughed, took my paper and asked me the questions. after I got two right immediately she marked everything on the page wrong and gave it back to me. She told me not to worry she put 100% in the grade book she just wanted me to show that one to my mom.
4.
My dad crashed his car at 8am, on his way to work, because he was surprised at a naked woman streaking across the road.
When the police turned up and asked what happened, he explained that he ended up crashing as he wasn’t sure if he REALLY just saw a naked women, or if he was still drunk from the night before.
Aaand that is how he lost his drivers license, because oddly enough, there was a naked woman, AND he was still drunk!
5.
In high school, grades were posted online. Dad wanted to check how poorly I was doing. I told him the internet is closed because it was after 5pm.
6.
Step-dad sees one of those tear-jerker commercials about starving children in Africa; proceeds to rant about how there’s plenty of animals to hunt in Africa and why don’t they just eat. Literally shouting at the tv “Eat! Just eat!”
7.
My parents got hit by the second Microsoft tech support scam this week.
8.
My parents made me take piano lessons since I was 9. When I told them I wanted to be a professional pianist, they were ashamed.
9.
My mom wanted to drive to the new Google office building to complain about her Yahoo email account. I barely managed to convince her that they are different companies.
10.
My mom got mad at me for getting a flu shot. Because the government uses them to track and poison people. I was 30 at the time.
11.
I was at dinner with my parents when my mom started feeling really unwell. We took her to the emergency room for chest pains and she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. The physician was asking my mom her family medical history and if anyone had diabetes in her family. My dad, a little drunk, asks if his family history would affect her. They’re obviously not blood related. The physician just looked at him for a few seconds and then said no.
12.
My dad thinks credit cards are free money that you don’t have to pay back. Yeah.
13.
When my mom heard that drinking a glass of red wine a day is good for you, she poured my dad a full pint glass of red wine…and he downed it. When I asked them what made them think that was an appropriate amount, they replied “That’s how much alcohol people drink in the movies.”
14.
My dad once told me he had pancreatic cancer. I asked “What stage?” He said stage 3. I was devastated. Later on during the day, I asked my brother (he lives with him) “Dude, why didn’t you tell me he had cancer?”
My brother had the most confusing look and said “He doesn’t have cancer… He’s been on this diet he saw on TV that consists of rice and vegetables. He’s been eating like 1,000 calories a day for the past few weeks. He Googled his ‘symptoms’ on WebMD and thinks he has cancer.”
Yeah my dad is an idiot. Terminal idiot.
15.
When I was about 14 my dad told me that drinking your own pee everyday is healthy for you. Like how???? Both mom and I spent almost two hours explaining why that was not healthy.
16.
One night my dad went to the McDonald’s drive thru and spent a solid 3ish minutes talking to the trash can and getting angry it wasn’t responding.
17.
When my father went on Facebook and explained all about how the earth is flat. My grandfather actually told him to change his name since dad is named after granddad.
18.
My Dad sprays WD-40 on his elbow to loosen it up. All I can do is shake my head.
19.
My dad texted me recently to let me know that this is the only year where your age plus the year you were born equals the current year.
I told him I had a lot going on right now and didn’t have time to research nursing homes.
20.
My dad ate baby shower favors made of soap that he thought was molded chocolate. Twice.
21.
My mom drove to my apartment because the radio in her car wasn’t working. She was sure there was something wrong with her Sirius.
I pushed the volume knob, which doubles as a power button and turned the thing on. There was nothing wrong it it, it was simply off.
22.
When I first starting to use tampons, it became clear that my mom thought that women only had one hole.
23.
I was filling my mom’s OkCupid profile after my parents divorced. I asked her one of the first questions, “Which is bigger, the sun or the moon?”
She answered the moon.
