Hannah Riley
For a long time, we asked, “What is the meaning of life?” But in 2021, we can stop pretending we care about philosophy and start asking the questions we actually spend time thinking about. Like: “How can you spot fake boobs?” “How much does a boob job cost?” Or the most important one of them all, “What do breast implants feel like?”
Well, stop wondering. I got my fake bazongas almost a year ago and I’m ready to answer everyone’s burning questions.
After losing a significant amount of weight, I went through surgery to trade out my then-disappointing natural boobs for a needed confidence boost.
Surgeons can explain what to expect after surgery, but if they don’t have implants themselves, they can’t fully describe what the recovery and life with them is really like.
Here’s what they don’t tell you…
1. They look weird at first.
Immediately following surgery, the muscle is tightly compressed on the breast and they look like squares. It’s not hot! Tell your partner to not get excited because it won’t be sexy at all.
At about six weeks, you will think they look normal now and you might try to wear a bathing suit in public. Do not do this! They still look bizarre. Your mind is tricking you. The implants sit high up on the chest, basically low on the neck, until the muscles relax. In the music video for “WAP,” Cardi B’s breasts look similar to what I’m describing.
After three months, they look like the perfect, glorious, Barbie boobs you’ll want to show off. However, they will still need more time for the implants to soften and feel like natural breast tissue. The implants still feel pretty hard to the touch, like vinyl dodgeballs.
2. They don’t flatten and move like natural boobs.
Augmented breasts aren’t malleable like natural breasts. This is essential to know. The implants are liquid (saline) or gel (silicone) in a container inside of you. Natural breasts spread out when pressure is applied to them, but with implants, the mass can only slightly flatten.
Now, for the movement: Imagine slapping someone you hate in the face. Got someone in mind? Good. The slap swing makes that unsuspecting bitch’s head almost swivel around like an owl. This is an example of the movement of a natural breast.
Now it’s time for them to return hand-fire. They fully swing their arm and slap your perfectly chiseled face. It moves a little, but not much. You saw the slap coming, you were prepared, and you looked gorgeous doing it. This is an example of the movement (or lack thereof) of the fake breast.
3. You can’t lay on your stomach anymore.
As a stomach sleeper, this was a horrible surprise. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to sleep on my stomach right after surgery, but I didn’t realize it would last forever.
You know when you were 10 and put one of those vinyl dodgeballs under your shirt and pretended to look pregnant? That’s my life now but they’re a little higher up, and there’s two of them. It’s like laying on your stomach on tiny exercise balls. I miss sleeping face down on the pillow like a corpse.
Because of the distance, they create between you and the surface, hugging and cuddling feel kind of weird, like if you had stored two oranges in the chest pockets of a men’s flannel shirt. The person you’re cuddling with says, you know, “What’s in your shirt” and you’re like, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You are insane.”
4. They’re heat sensitive.
When bodies are cold, they tighten up and get perkier, like when you ice your nipples. When your body is warm, things get softer and longer. If this doesn’t make sense to you, there is something wrong with your body and you might need to call 911.
When it’s cold outside, the silicone or saline inside the implant ALSO gets cold. Think of those squishy blue ice packs you might have in your freezer. I now have two of the most expensive versions of those strapped to my chest.
In warmer temps, the natural breast tissue becomes much softer than the implant, making the two feel like entirely separate things. The implant stays in position and the natural tissue droops a bit. It’s not sexy!
5. Most people ask if they can see or touch them.
This was for sure the most surprising. I’ve always loved when women who had altered their body in some way were honest about it. It’s so damaging to women when perfect-looking people don’t admit they had help to look the way they do.
When I first had the surgery, I saw a group of friends who went to hug me. I held up a hand and told them I had surgery and couldn’t hug. 4 out of 5 of them asked me to take my shirt off and show them. One of their dads asked, too. It was gross. I definitely said no and avoided interacting with them again after that.
It’s not just men, either. Most women perk up when they find out and ask a lot of questions. I always answer questions and occasionally some women ask to poke them. Sometimes I let them.
6. They go numb.
Don’t freak out, it wasn’t permanent. But for a few weeks, nearly all of the skin on my boobs couldn’t feel anything. Seven months later, there are still areas that have lost feeling in them that I’m slowly getting back.
It’s a common myth with breast augmentation that your nipples can go numb forever. I had one nipple that was hard for a whole month! It was pretty funny because that’s how I process fear. It might not be funny to someone with better coping mechanisms. The only way permanent numbness would happen is if your surgeon messed up. Which would actually be pretty cool. You wouldn’t be able to feel your nipples but you probably have like $6 million dollars from the medical lawsuit.
7. You won’t know your new bra size until you’re done.
I started with a small B, asked for a C, and ended with a surprise DDD. Yeah, my surgeon was a man. I assume it’s because surgeons don’t want to be sued (cancel culture, am I right?), but I asked many times what size my end result would be and was repeatedly told it was impossible to tell until post-surgery.
Which is weird.
I mean, if I’m making pasta, I’m absolutely guessing how many noodles to boil and generally end up with ten times my intended amount. But if I went to Medical school to be a pasta boiler, made a career of pasta boiling, and had essentially dedicated my life to the science of pasta, I would be able to tell you exactly how many noodles were about to be on your plate. All I’m trying to say is, make sure you’re flexible with what size you could end up with.
8. Fine, I’ll say it. You’ll be paranoid the implants will slide out when you walk.
You can have the incision made on your inframammary fold (under boob), around your nipple, through your armpit (less common), or your belly button (even less common). I had my surgery done through my inframammary fold.
Post-surgery, walking around is traumatic. Every step you take feels like the implants are going to slip out from your body and slide onto the floor of the grocery store.
They won’t (I think?), but the recurring intrusive thought was enough to make me not want to walk anywhere.
9. They really can pop.
A bad car accident will do the trick. You best believe that if I rear-end someone, I am going to hold on to my investment.
However, they are not easy to pop. It takes nearly an act of God to make them burst and if the situation were to arise, you will probably have a lot of other more important things on your plate to worry about.
10. They last longer than 10 years.
Breast implants only lasting 10 years is not actually a scientific fact. 10 years is when they are recommended to be replaced, but this is not required. My surgeon had patients who had breast implants for 15+ years with no issues.
Some things that might make you require another boob job are extreme weight gain/loss, pregnancy, and breastfeeding. There’s not anything actually wrong with the implants, they can just slide down as the skin surrounding the breast stretches out.
11. They’re heavy!
Or maybe I’m heavy now because I couldn’t exercise for three months after! Many women face the same posture issues after augmentation as women with naturally large breasts. It is necessary to invest in supportive bras to keep your spine healthy.
12. How can you tell?
This isn’t an exact science so it’s always going to be a guess unless the person tells you, but once you have them, you can tell immediately. It’s a sixth sense you get after you wake up from the anesthesia. The fake titty gang is a whole sisterhood.
Here are the telltale signs, for someone who doesn’t have this superpower:
They might be fake if:
-
- If they are older than their early 20’s and their boobs look remarkable on a regular day. A night out is different because we can duct tape those puppies to do just about anything we want.
- The breasts protrude to the sides past the sides of the woman’s frame like two parentheses. This is hard to tell in loose clothing, but I’m talking about having bangin’ side boob like two scoops of ice cream. Natural breasts have slightly more droop to them
- The proportion to frame seems wonky. If a woman is 5’4, 100 lbs, and is sporting a perky DDD…
- If the top of the cleavage looks defined. Fake boobs have that “perfect” look. That’s why people pay $10,000 for them. Natural boobs don’t look perfectly full and rounded at the top.
13. You can’t exercise for a long time.
After surgery, it is recommended patients wait two weeks to resume walking for exercise and six weeks for rigorous workouts. Let me tell you right now, those numbers are not correct.
As a huge fitness-enthusiast myself (I work out at least twice a month with lots of shame in between), I was eager to get back into the gym and pump that glorious iron again. The first time I tried to run, I went outside and took four bounds before writhing to the ground in agony. The implants are heavy and they hurt when they bounce up and down when you’re not used to them yet.
My implants are placed below the muscle (this is the most common placement) and when the muscle flexes, it “grabs” the implant below it. It’s pretty horrifying to get used to.
I used to be able to do 35 or so push-ups with good form before surgery. Now even one push up is really painful. Flexing the chest muscle when lifting weights feels like if the implant was a chicken cutlet and the muscle was suction-cupping around it like a food vacuum sealer. This effect also makes it hard for me to still open heavy windows and doors. These days I just get trapped in places like a totally beautiful bimbo.
14. It takes longer to fully recover.
While I was told that I could go back to work in 3 days and would be almost fully operational in about a month, my healing process took much longer. Things like opening the fridge, sitting up in bed, or carrying anything over 20 pounds was a struggle for nearly 3 months. The healing time is different for everyone, but don’t read stories of women going back to work the next day and think that is standard.
15. You can move them in the socket.
This one is hard to explain so please try to visualize with me. If you gently poke a natural breast from the bottom, your finger would make an indent into the tissue, but the breast wouldn’t move too much. If you gently poke a breast with implants from the bottom, the entire implant moves up. When the finger is removed, the implant returns to where it was placed.
16. You get to try before you buy.
In the surgeon’s office, they have every size of the implant and a bra to put them in over your chest. The office recommends you bring a shirt to try on over to get the best idea of what they will look like. My sister and I did this process together and of course, asked to try on the biggest size they had. It was 800ccs. For reference, I got 350 ccs and it made my breasts go up 4 sizes. Before choosing my size, I made sure to bend over, dance, and even do some jumping jacks in them. I was surprised when the nurse told me no one had ever done that before.
Picking the right size is crucial. I don’t like getting gawked at when I’m in Home Depot, so I wanted something that looked like I was just naturally blessed. I got a little more than I bargained for but there’s no going back now. I wish I had put more thought into the size I got as shopping is a little harder now. Many fashionable tops, dresses, and swimsuits are generally designed for smaller breasted women. Keep this in mind when choosing a size.
17. You have to sleep in a bra.
You don’t need to, but you might be sore when you wake up if you don’t. Occasionally I forget and wake up feeling like my shoulder boulders tried to make a run for it in the middle of the night. It’s been a while since I’ve tried going au natural again, but I’m getting old and everything hurts enough in the morning as is, so I won’t be trying it again any time soon.
18. They cost more than you think.
Price varies based on where you are located and even prices between states are entirely different. Some sites quoted the surgery around $3,500 which I assume might have been an area where the surgery wasn’t very popular.
For some reason, prices between offices are wildly different too. You typically have to go through a whole consultation and express interest before you are given a concrete number. I ended up spending about $8,500 on my surgery. My sister, who was also recommended a lift, was quoted $18,500 for both the augmentation and a lift. Getting a breast lift requires reconstruction of the breast and more surgery time, which is why they can price their service like total assholes.
Seriously, I am not a rich person. I saved and saved and swindled for a long time in order to pay for my breast augmentation. It was the most expensive thing I’ve ever bought myself that I didn’t actually need and while I definitely had cold feet and a little bit of buyer’s remorse after, I am so glad I did it. I would do it again if I had to. They did wonders for my self-confidence. If you are considering doing it, I encourage you to find a way to make it work if that is in the realm of financial possibility for you.
19. Finally, what do they feel like?
Well, the easiest way to explain the way they feel for the first three months is that they kind of feel like a testicle. The hard-ish testis inside of the scrotum that kinda feels like a hard-boiled egg in a plastic bag? The implant feels similar but with a much softer surrounding of fat and breast tissue around them. As time goes on, the two parts grow together to form a more homogeneous texture.
Eventually, the breasts settle in and feel like a firm natural breast. Nothing weird about it. It’s not entirely unlike the way grabbing a fully relaxed calf muscle feels. If someone’s shirt was off, you would tell by the lack of droop they weren’t real, but from feeling alone they are just a couple of really nice big titty honkers. No complaints.
