There are funny women on Twitter.
They write funny tweets.
We find the best of those tweets.
We share them with you.
That is the deal.
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https://twitter.com/ashleyn1cole/status/1242975355595415553
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Me in 2019: If I could just have like a week with nothing to do and nowhere to go I could finally get this house clean and organized.
Me now: Nope, that wasn't the problem….
— The Salty Mamas (@saltymamas) March 24, 2020
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me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019
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This is, and I cannot stress this enough, a dentist’s office pic.twitter.com/TXnB891Dvl
— Jill Twiss (@jilltwiss) April 22, 2019
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Might fuck around and do a line of pollen
— Steph (@stEPH_u_) April 25, 2019
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A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
— Madison (@madisonbosil) April 21, 2019
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I went to lunch with friends and saw my husband at the restaurant. I was going to say his name but he was staring at his phone so I watched him.
He was smiling.
He typed.Then my phone dinged. And it was a video he forwarded of a dog wrestling a water hose. This is love.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) April 24, 2019
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me walking into the same coffee shop every day to get my same order of iced coffee from the same employees who see me 7 times a week https://t.co/Qy1OQgChtQ
— trish (@ULTRAGLOSS) April 20, 2019
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I’m rly afraid I’m going to learn something about myself during this
— Rachel Sennott (@Rachel_Sennott) March 21, 2020
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Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
— madi brews (@madicrews8) April 3, 2019
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going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
— dirt prince (@pant_leg) April 22, 2019
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Me: I can’t believe I lost my wallet last night
Me last night with my wallet: pic.twitter.com/vQDrEvMhCB
— Luisa Lange (@Luisa_Lange) March 3, 2019
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me during morning shift: ay who the FUCK closed last night
me closing at night: this looks like a problem for the opener
— Neek (@babyltaly) April 18, 2019
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Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
— into the chismosa-verse (@_chismosa_) March 26, 2020
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So you mean to tell me Sara Bellum is a cerebellum?? pic.twitter.com/KX3WcmquHT
— Gabrielle (@AlxcGabrielle) April 25, 2019
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me in a group project pic.twitter.com/owe1nqv3Ym
— valeria (@amyadums) March 31, 2019
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You don't need committees to solve things. Just find two women who are in a real mood about some shit and send them on an evening fitness walk.
— Elizabeth Hackett (@LizHackett) April 25, 2019
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https://twitter.com/megan__coe/status/1121131796673040388
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A lunchable is a charcuterie plate
— ABOLISH THE POLICE (@KaiDavisPoet) April 24, 2019
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The shit I have to deal with🤦♀️😂 pic.twitter.com/fMc6cUeBj2
— 🌜xiomara🌛 (@xiomara_gomez18) April 21, 2019
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why does she turn Scottish when she says ‘don’t’ 😫 https://t.co/Qh7bKr3jfS
— Leila Wilcock (@LeilaWilcock) April 23, 2019