Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I’ll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
“I was just about to do that chore that I see you’re starting now”
— The Nutzacker (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “A LOT more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.
— hannahannahannah (@MUMSIEesq) March 8, 2016
Me: I’m exhausted.
Husband: Didn’t you take a 2 hour nap?
Me: What do you mean by that?
— Jackie Bouvier (@jackiembouvier) February 16, 2016
Just put on fancy socks and a night shirt with no food stains so I can try to seduce my husband later.
— Ashley Austrew (@ashleyaustrew) January 23, 2016
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 9, 2016
Relationship status: My wife asked me what I wanted for dinner and then told me I was wrong.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 22, 2016
Her: Is it in?
Him: Not yet
Her: Put it In now!
Him: Ok it’s in
Her: And set the timer! Im not eating burnt lasagna again!
— Will Rodgers (@WilliamRodgers) May 23, 2016
I wondered if my wife was asleep so I held my phone a foot over her face and turned it on.
Then I dropped it onto her nose.
She’s awake now.
— Вïҏѳѩг Вєѧг ✪ (@_b1p0larbear) October 27, 2016
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
— Floyd is woke (@dafloydsta) August 17, 2016
Wife: Where are you
Me: The store
W: Don’t lie to me
W: I saw the internet history
M: *hangs up* pic.twitter.com/CbhMqKVGkq
— Hip Dad Online (@hardlyrelevant) May 25, 2016
I bet my husband’s favorite thing about me is how I don’t order anything and then ask for sips of his drink and snatch his french fries.
— Mommy Christmases (@mommy_cusses) September 29, 2016