Husband: I love you.
Me: *eating a potato chip really loudly* You should. I’m a goddamn miracle.
— Flannery (@imdaintyaf) September 12, 2016
Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) May 16, 2016
[rolls over in bed and whispers to wife]
“I ate like 75 chicken nuggets today”
— rob elliott (@rockymomax) February 16, 2016
Nothing in life can prepare you for how much of marriage is spent just listening to someone cough.
— beth hates Pai, so (@bourgeoisalien) May 3, 2016
Priest: They’ve written their vows
Wife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
— Mostly AFK Bice (@Pro_Jones_) January 10, 2016