When I tell my husband to do that thing I like, he usually hands me all his money and a grilled cheese sandwich.
— Felicia (@LostFelicia) January 8, 2020
ME: *sets down anything*
WIFE: [from the other room] please don’t leave that there
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) February 1, 2020
I was out of coffee the other morning so my husband said ‘why don’t you just have tea instead’ and next time he wanted a blow job I said ‘why don’t you have tea instead’ and maybe it caused a fight I don’t know
— Vision Bored (@VisionBored1) February 5, 2020
My husband put the toilet paper on the roll.
Does that mean I have to do that thing he likes?
— Professional Worrier (@pro_worrier_) February 4, 2020
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
— Jessie (@mommajessiec) January 28, 2020
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
— salty dog (@doggiedogthedog) January 18, 2019
In 34 years on this planet I’ve learned one very important lesson that I’m going to pass on to you fellas. She can eat your fries. You cannot eat her fries.
— Crockett™️ (@CrockettForReal) January 31, 2020
Husband: Did you forget to run the dishwasher again?
Me: *using a paper plate, plastic spoon, and drinking out of a toothbrush holder* No, why?
— Jawbreaker (@sixfootcandy) February 7, 2020
Kid: “Mom! I can’t find my shoes!”
Me to my husband: “Seriously, why am I responsible for everyone’s shit all the time?!”
Husband: “Do you know where my jeans are?”
— Go Ask Your Dad (@_goaskyourdad_) February 7, 2020
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) January 19, 2020