It’s 2020 and despite all the crazy things that have happened after less than two months in a new decade, one thing stays the same: people complaining about their spouses online. Luckily, jokesters on Twitter still find a way to do that and be funny, instead of just mad.
Love can make you very, very mad, especially when the person you love is also your roommate. And helps you take care of the kids. And monitors the budget. And is supposed to be your only sex partner—man, when will the pressure come off of marriage already?!
Until it does, release a little steam with laughter. Here are the best 2020 marriage tweets so far. Expect more to come. They always do.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
— the titular “nobody” in the mitski song “nobody” (@notstupidgaycat) February 16, 2020
Not all relationships must lead to marriage,
Some will teach you about new restaurants and where they sell nice foods.
— Holydragon (@cheebuzo) February 18, 2020
my future husband will be allowed to bring his worms into the living room. that’s just the kind of wife i plan to be <3 pic.twitter.com/td7MoNktll
— bailey (@doyalikebaileys) February 18, 2020
[getting ready to go out]
Wife: What are you wearing?
Me: Not this.
Wife: Good guess.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) February 1, 2020
Wife: Wanna fool around tonight?
Me: I haven’t shaved, I’m really gassy and my hemorrhoids are killing me.
Wife: You could have just said “no.”
Me [already naked]: WHY WOULD I SAY NO?
— Rodney Lacroix (@RodLacroix) February 7, 2020
Wedding vows should be updated to include, “Do you promise to love & cherish him even when he swears he can’t find something & it’s right in front of his face?”
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) January 12, 2020
My husband has been grocery shopping for an hour and hasn’t texted me any questions. My worst fear has come true, he’s become self-sufficient.
— 🎭ᑌᖇᔕᑌᒪᗩ🎭 (@3sunzzz) January 13, 2020
My husband woke up in the best mood. He’s whistling and talking nonstop and asking me things like, “what’s on the agenda today?” and it’s not even 8:30 am so anyway it was a good run but all good things must come to an end.
— Lady Lawya (@Parkerlawyer) January 30, 2020
Due to personal reasons, I’ll be flushing the toilet every time my husband showers this week.
— Maryfairyboberry (@MaryJustice86) January 29, 2020
I like to think of marriage as a partnership, but like one of those cop movie partnerships, where one of you is the grizzled pro who’s two days from retirement and one of you is the wide-eyed rookie and everyone is just trying to guess which one of you dies first.
— Arianna Bradford (@TheNYAMProject) January 28, 2020