Have you ever been in a fight with someone and literally think of the best insult to hurl their way—twenty minutes after the fight is over? You should bookmark this page and study it. While it’s obviously not ideal to call someone names like you’re both pissy children, it can be satisfying to talk about a hated someone in private with creative language (maybe a certain president?). Here are 20 of the most creative insults out there.
1.
“You’ve gotta stop using your head as just a container for your teeth.” — CheeseSamosas
2.
“You look like the kind of person who could fail a DNA test.” — Jingothejumper
3.
“I held the door open for an old black woman at work one day (I am pasty white) and she looked at me dead in the eye and said, ‘Fuck you mayonnaise monkey’ and went through the door like I was not there. I had no fucking idea if that was an insult or how I should take it, so I had to go find a black co-worker to get a ruling…he died laughing and started calling his friends on speaker phone. I am haunted to this day.” — DeliaKing
4.
“Something I heard on Malcolm in the Middle, and it’s seared in the back of my mind and I will use this against someone someday. I can’t wait until then: In one episode Lois is out with her boys and their new neighbors. The neighbor kids were acting up and their mom wasn’t doing anything about it, so Lois asked that mom to take care of her kids. To which that mom said, ‘are you questioning my parenting?” Lois responded, “I don’t know how I can, I haven’t seen any.'” — llcucf80
5.
Was at a baseball game. Dude in the crowd yells to the batter: ‘I’ve seen better swings on a porch!'” — feedthehogs
6.
“Some guy was mocking me for looking young so I told him I’d rather have baby face than a face that looks like smoked salmon. He got pissed but his mate stopped him and said no, that’s fair.” — Goaheadidareyou
7.
“His daddy must’ve jacked off into a flower pot cuz he’s a blooming idiot.” — bullettoothjohnny
8.
“I was at a baseball game and an ambulance drove by with full lights and sirens. A fan of one of the teams yelled to the opposing pitcher, ‘You hear that ambulance? It’s coming for you, because you’re CHOKIIIIING!'” — c_otter17
9.
“My friend and I looked at my ex’s social media to see the new girl he was dating. My friend said wow, he had to dig really deep into the Walmart dollar DVD bin to find that piece of work.” — saltymotherofducks
10.
“16 year old me trying to convince my dad to take my fiends and I to see American Pie: Dad: so what is it about? Me: a group of high school friends trying to lose their virginity. Dad: I can stay home and see that.” — JennifferTrudel