*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
— Gorilla Von Nips (@GorillaNipples1) November 11, 2017
My wife and I are tackling a home improvement project together.
Just thought I’d give you a heads up.
This is my last post as a married man.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 26, 2017
Me: *walking on the moon*
[text from wife]: Can you bring home some more milk?
— Chad Read (@squirrel74wkgn) November 18, 2017
the chicken in my wife’s spicy chicken burger was bigger than the bun while mine was smaller and I know ill bring it up in a future argument
— brent (@murrman5) August 27, 2017
For the first time in 16 years, I remembered where we keep the tape without having to ask my wife, so our marriage is going well right now.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) November 21, 2017
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
— Boyd’s Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) November 20, 2017
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
— Dan R (@Social_Mime) June 21, 2017
Establish dominance in your household by staring at your husband while you unplug his phone from the charger and plug in your own.
— Mommy Owl (@Lhlodder) November 23, 2017
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) November 11, 2017
It’s so nice when my husband’s away that the dog can fill in as the loudest breather of the household.
— EricaTriesToTweet (@EricaWhoToYou) November 16, 2017
My wife is going to qualify for free shipping no matter how much it costs.
— Simon Holland (@simoncholland) November 28, 2017
Wife: Darn. Prince Harry is off the market.
Me: Why does it matter? You weren’t on the market.
Wife: *refuses to make eye contact*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Me: The legend of this day shall reverberate through the ages
Wife: Seriously? You did one load of laundry
Me: Behold my majesty
— Son of Dad (@Steven37366100) November 15, 2017
I feel sorry for my Wife.
If it wasn’t for me, everyone would call us a beautiful couple.
— Nicken Drumsticks (@beefman138) November 10, 2017
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
— not the WORST mom 🤔 (@nottheworstmom) November 26, 2017
“5 years ago i married my best friend, my soulmate, i love you”
“eat all the leftovers again and i will end you”
— mark (@TheCatWhisprer) October 5, 2016
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
— Stephanie Ortiz (@Six_Pack_Mom) August 28, 2016
Marriage is essentially two people taking turns pushing down the top of the kitchen garbage so they don’t have to take it out.
— Ian Mendes (@ian_mendes) May 20, 2016
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) November 6, 2016
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
— Kalvin (@KalvinMacleod) January 18, 2016
Wife: We need milk, eggs, and bread. Write it down.
Me: No need. I’ll remember.
[an hour later]
Wife: What did you buy?
Me: A panda.
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 6, 2016
“I was just about to do that chore that I see you’re starting now”
— The Nutzacker (@Mr_Kapowski) May 10, 2016
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
— Josh (@iwearaonesie) February 24, 2016
My husband just texted me from the bathroom and asked me to bring him “A LOT more toilet paper,” so yeah, the romance ain’t dead people.
— hannahannahannah (@MUMSIEesq) March 8, 2016